Inpatient - again!

I am back in hospital, but instead of Maple it is Pine Lodge. It's not too bad I guess, I have made some really good ward friends :-P who I spend most of my time with. Starting meds next week, fluoxetine and quatiapine... I hope they work and make me better, sick of feeling like crap. I will update asap :) Oh, also, I am spending my birthday in hospital.. How fun -_- .. Luckily enough I get overnight leave so my mum is picking me up at 4pm :D yaaaay! It's not until next friday, but still! Boom.

I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

Today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist regarding meds. I was pretty much forced to go into details with my "plan" but I didn't, why would I tell them what I was planning when they could stop me just like that. Silly people. Aaaanywayyy, my psychiatrist was really pleased that I came, because at my previous CAMHS appointment I refused to ever step foot back in that building ever again, but yet again, that was said out of anger. I was first of all speaking with my psychiatrist alone, then she spoke to my MH nurse, Lisa and my Mum seperately then we all joined back in the room together. She thinks that Anti-Depressants would really benefit me but a side affect of the meds I am going on are psychosis and extreme suicidal actions/thoughts, so she decided it would be appropriate to place me back into hospital for 2 weeks, but if the meds are bad and have a bad effect on me they would have to try different ones which would lead me to being there for a month. I refused to go, I didn't want to and I still don't but if I don't go they will section me, and I refuse to have that on my name.

When I look in the mirror, I don't even recognise myself.

I am discusted by the person I have become, I can barely look at myself in a mirror anymore without questioning myself on who the fuck am I?! It amazes me how bad things can get in the space of 12 months, that is just three hundred and sixty five days, and if you think about it, that isn't many really. This time last year I was happy-ish, I was low in mood every now and again and had a little bit of anxiety. And now, I have EDNOS, BiPolar Disorder, Pyschosis, Severe Depression and I struggle with building relationships, I want nobody in my life, I push people away. I am also now suicidal, this time last year suicide was never in my mind, I would think about it but I never felt so low that I felt like I could only resolve all my problems by removing myself from this Earth. Now I don't even bother with self harm, I don't see the point, why cut my arms to shreads when I gain nothing from it? At least in 3 weeks time I will be gone, removed from this Earth. I am counting down, I am counting down the days until my disappearence. Nobody will notice anyway, nobody even notices when I am around. *sigh* some times I wish things could be different.. Even just a little bit.

Shout-outs to the most amazing people I have ever met!

Natalie Jones Ellie-Louise Stenson-Dallison Emmy Norton Jaycee Fraser Amy Ratnett Hannah Lowe Emma Mills Katy Cooke Kaytee Wood Emma Sawyer Kimmy Lewis Zoey Funnell Hannah Ramshaw Alice McArthur Julieann Mitchell Ruth Winrow Amy-Louise Murray Lynda Wise Aideen Scally Alice Megan Jane PJ Morgan 

   
 Their are possibly more, but these are the main people who keep me going, they are awesome and so inspirational! I hope to meet many of these people in the nearer future. Boooooooom :)

The razor caressed your flesh and your arms turned red. I feel your vast desire.

I haven't self harmed once since I came out of hospital, I darent do it. My Mum has told me how proud I have made her by keeping in control of the self harm. Even though I have had the urges, I still haven't done it but their is a reason behind that. I sit here and think to myself "why bother?" because right now I don't want to cut to feel alive, I don't want to cut because I feel numb. If I was to cut myself, I wouldn't be able to stop, I would cut, and cut, and cut until their was no skin left visible. I would cut, and cut, and cut until I was left unconcious with blood seeping out of my veins on my bedroom floor. And I want that, so so bad, but I know I need to stay strong for everybody else.

It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall.

I feel so happy. Honestly, I have never been happier all because I have found the perfect plan to end my life, and I know it will work. It will take a maximum of a month, but it can happen and it will! Now I can live my life to some extent, I can smile when I feel down because I know it will soon all be over. There will be no more happiness, but no more pain. No more let downs, and no more hospitals. There is so much that their will no longer be any more of and that makes me so happy. I am a quitter and I don't expect sympathy or love, this is just how it is. Boom.

I promise you I'm always there when you're heart is filled with sorrow and despair. And I'll carry you when you need a friend, you'll find my footprints in the sand.

I don't get how you can all sit back and just get on with you're lives when their are so many people facing daily problems both mentally and physically. There are starving kids in Africa who are dying because they don't have any food or water. There are homeless people sleeping on the streets in the rain, cold and snow because they have no shelter. There are people dying of a numerous diseases such as cancer, alzheimers, parkinsons disease and more. There are children who are getting abused physically, sexually or emotionally by their parents who are supposed to love them. There are people fighting day in day out to stay alive, but you don't think about that do you? You just wake up, get dressed, go to work, have you're meals, watch TV and go to bed without a care in the world, I wish I could do that. I wish I could be in you're shoes and care about nothing, but I can't and I guess thats what sucks the most.

This is why you should never, ever get your hopes up. This is why you should see the glass as half empty. So when the whole thing spills, you aren't as devastated.

I never thought I would get to this stage in my life where I would be labelled "suicidal". I know I've always had problems with self-harm and suicidal thoughts, but I've always been to scared to actually go out and kill myself. But now, I'm not afraid, and this time last week I would be saying that it scares me that I'm not afraid to kill myself, but now, I'm not afraid, I'm glad.. Happy should I say.. I'm happy I now have the ability and confidence to die. I'm happy I have made a decision instead of being stuck in a battle between death and life, I know I'm going to be leaving some very special people behind but if this was controllable, I guess it would be different, I'm sorry but I'm moving on.

What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?

I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.

Stop the world I wanna get off.

I’m in tune with how you feel, everything about this is real. When you’re in unfamiliar places count on me through lifes changes.

I had my first CAMHS appointment today with my new therapist, Lisa. I was placed with her because my old MH worker Emma has got a new job. At first I was petrified, I hate change, I hate meeting new people, I hate getting to know them and to be honest, I didn't even want to work with CAMHS anymore when I realised I had to change therapists. But I just went with it, today was my second meet with Lisa as I had a chat with her when I was in hospital.. Not a session though, it was more of a get to know each other kind of thing but it was a little awkward seeing as I was in a completely fucked up state of mind sat in a room with a stranger, but yeah, enough of the ranting! Today I had my first session with Lisa and it was so calm and relaxed and we even had a little bit of a laugh, I told her that my thoughts were still here and that I didn't want to do DBT anymore because I wanted to act on my thoughts, but she persuaded me to hold on a little longer just to see what is to happen. My expectations were set to high, I thought that by coming out of hospital meant I am better and everybody stops caring about me, but turns out that is not the case. I was in hospital to get myself stable, I am still unwell and my therapist said she is still concerned about me but I need to have the courage to step up and tell "the voice" shall we call it no, I am better than this and I can control my mental state. BOOM!

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter.

I feel like I'm a million miles away from myself, more and more these days. I've been down so many open roads, but they never lead me home, and now I just don't know. I just don't know who I really am, how it's going to be, is there something that I can't see? I want to understand, maybe I will never be who I was before, maybe I don't even know them anymore, or maybe who I am today isn't so far from yesterday, can I find a way to be, every part of me?

I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real...

It's like I'm a ghost. Watching from the outside. I don't belong. And I see myself. I'm not who I used to be. I don't like who I've become but I can't seem to go back. The old me is leaking out of me more and more as the "new" me overtakes my body and turns me into something I do not want to become.

'Cuz we lost it all. Nothing lasts forever, I'm sorry I can't be perfect...

And I feel so silly for holding on so tightly to nothing. Well, they call it my life, but to me this isn't a life. To me, the definition of life is "To live" and I am certain that I am not living, I am just existing. I just wish I could witness happiness just once more, I wish I could go back to the times I had no care in the world and my body didn't matter. When people would insult me I would just laugh and think nothing of it. What has happened to me? If I realised I was sinking I would of stopped myself, but now I feel like I've hit rock bottom and there is no way of getting back up. I try, I really do. I fall and I try to stand, I stand for a while but then I just fall back down when I feel like I'm at the top but I don't realise I'm falling until I'm back at stage one again, and if thats the case how am I ever supposed to get "better"? I wish I could believe some day things will be okay and I will be happy, just like I used to be, but at this rate the chances of that happening is minus zero.

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."

You know what? I'm moving on. I'm going to stop living in the past and live in the future because looking back gets me nowhere. The past is done with, over, it's just a memory and means nothing anymore. It's like I'm just stuck whilst everyone else is moving forward and I'm fucking done with being here! I am determined to make the most of my life, 'cause you only life once and you should appreciate the life you have because I know that a child in Africa would do anything to live the life I have, even with all the daily problems, because at least they have food, water and a family. You seen me struggle, you seen me fall and now you can all see my raise before the stars because I am here, I'm still alive and I am standing on two feet. Thats right I'm back and I am going to prove to you all that I can do this! I can beat my mental illnesses not because I have to, but because I fucking want too! YEAH! 

I hear voices and you’re worried that you’re the freak?

I have some form of psychosis. I hear a voice and the doctor at Maple told me to try and ignore it. But how can I when I am told constantly "You have no more time". What do I do then? Because I believe this voice, but I don't want to. As much as I want to die I don't.

Discharged from inpatient.. FOR GOOD!! :-D

I am out of inpatient and I can say I hope to never have to go back. I have learnt quite a lot from there, that my thoughts are only thoughts, that the voice I can hear can be treated with meds and that things do get better in the end, I just need to stop pushing everyone away and accept the help that is offered to me. I have got to keep going to CAMHS which is pretty bum as I don't really like the place, but like I was told by Adrian, I need to start accepting help if I want to get better, everybody needs help sometimes and you should never feel embarassed and ashamed to ask for it. I will admit, I am a bit scared being out of hospital but I am ever so relieved to get out, I made some really amazing friends whilst I was their, the girl I was mainly with was a girl called Carly, she was so lovely :) she has came on so much since I first met her, she had paranoia and psychosis but we used to be with each other when we was sociable lol :) I'm going to miss her, and I wish her all the best for the future! She's a lovely girl. Anyway, back to the rambeling. So yeah, CAMHS today and Monday, they are putting a referal through so I will be under the Crisis Team, so when I feel like I can't cope during late nights, I will always have that bit of support which I am happy about and I start my 6 weeks DBT training on Tuesday at 6pm in Maple. The lady is called Cat and she's really nice, I have to do training first because she wants to see if she feels I am able to put a lot of hard work and effort into it because DBT is very rare and only offered to a few amount of people, explains why it's not avalible in Warrington! So yeah, I have so much support out of hosp and I can honestly say I am happy to be out, although a bit scared too. I am going to miss all the people there, they was so lovely. SO yeah, toooooodles:-D! 

Over night leave.

Last over night stop out turned into a total disaster, but I have had some thinking time back at the ward and I think I am ready to give it another shot. I hate that place so much, although my feelings are still there, and pretty high, I don't care I just need to get out of that place. I would never advise anybody to get them so mentally unstable that they need to go into a hospital because I swear to god this place has made me worse. They stole everything; my freedom, my control, and most importantly, my identity.

Inpatient :(

Hey guys, just want to let you all know these past few days I have been in a psychiatric hospital in Chester called Maple Ward. Tonight I am on overnight leave.. I'm so scared but I know it has to be done -- struggeling but I know I can do this. I need to do this. I refuse to disappoint people more than I already have.

Now take what you need and be on you're way and stop, crying your heart out...

It hurts, every second I am dying a little more inside. I don't want to close my eyes because I know I will open them again in the morning. The next time I close my eyes I want it to be forever, the next time I close my eyes they will never reopen again. 
What is happening to me? This time 2 weeks ago I was striving for recovery, I was willing to do every possible thing in order to be well and live a happier and healthier lifestyle again but suddenly, I just fell. I pushed you away, so so far, to the point it felt like I didn't know who you were anymore, so I left you. The funny thing was, I felt pain. So much of it, more than ever before. I never knew it was going to be so hard to walk away from something that wasn't meant to be but it was, and it still is. I'm still not over you... Us... And I don't think I'm ever going to be able to accept the fact that it's actually over. You see, I have this fear of rejection. I have this fear of people walking into my life, and then leaving, and although this was my fault, it still feels like you walked away. You tried to fight for me, but I was having none of it, and this is why. This is why I walked away. Look at me now, just take a good look, take a picture if you have to.
I'm not the person who you seen that first night, I'm not. You want to know who I am now?
I'm  a girl who craves death, I crave pain. People? I don't care about them and they don't care about me, my happiness can no longer be faked, that smile can no longer be plastered on. I wake up in a morning planning different suicide methods trying to decide which one is most likely to have the biggest effect and inflict the least pain, but more closer to death. I save my money to buy pills, as many as I can and I stock them up until I have enough to do so much damage. I don't love, I don't care, infact I feel nothing at all. 
I had to leave you, I had to walk away, with you crying I walked. You begged me not to leave, but if you seen me now you would know it was for the best. I refuse to let you see me like this, I'd hate for one of our memories to be me like this, this isn't a memory lovers should share. You deserve better than me, I know you do. I'm sorry.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is: That I care too much.

Tomorrow I have the decision to lie to you, or tell you everything. I have the decision to risk being sent to hospital, or secretly strugge. Everything is in my hands, it's all down to me. And you know what? I don't know what to do. I haven't got a clue. Maybe it's because I want to die? Because if you think about it, if I tell you my feelings, my thoughts, and for the first time in your life you do something about it; I can't control them anymore. I can't do what I'm being told constantly day in, day out to do. What is hospital going to do? Really? They can't control my thoughts, nobody can. How is someone supposed to understand me, and my issues when I barely understand them myself? I just can't deal with this, or anything in that matter, anymore. I want to give up, but I know I can't and thats what hurts the most.

Save me from the nothing I've become..

I just can't deal with this right now, I can't deal with knowing I'm somewhere I don't belong. I don't fit in. They say that everybody has a purpose in life, but what is mine? Is my purpose to realize that I don't have a purpose? To just die? Because that's what I want so bad, I just can't bare to face another day on this Earth but I know I have to hold on, because what I've came to realize is that if I was to kill myself, it would be a selfish act, because a repeat of the other night it just broke so many peoples hearts. Why do people care about me? What is there to care about? I don't see why so many people want me in there life, who wants a nothing around?

It's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song.

The thoughts are still there, the feelings are still there. I just so badly want to do something again, but stay quiet this time. Nobody will know, right? The only thing stopping me is the people who care about me. I don't want to hurt people anymore, I've hurt them enough. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I should make everybody else feel the same. But you have no idea how hard this is, how hard it is to sit here and watch the world go by thinking "I don't belong here".

Overdose, Regret, The Drip, CAMHS, Discharged.

I planned a suicide attempt, but I did it 2 days earlier because of a little argument. I was feeling low as it was, like my life had no meaning, what was the point in fighting when I was getting nowhere as it is? I didn't want to live my life like this forever, so I took an overdose on paracetamol, ibuprofen and prescribed sleeping tablets. 
I stayed in my room for a while and all of a sudden my eyes went black and I kept having these weird flashbacks of me as a baby, a child, a teen and so on.. The good memories, the bad memories, the people who I had, the things that made me well.. "me", and that's when I realized I probably made a huge mistake. I was using a permanent decision for temporary problems.
I went downstairs and told my Mum what I did, I told her I was sorry but she was so angry with me. She didn't even believe I did it. She was accusing me of lying and we didn't even leave to go to the hospital until I actually collapsed. My heart was beating rapidly, I couldn't breathe properly and was going into some fit thing, so my mum rang an ambulance and I was rushed there with the sirens on and everything! I remember sat there thinking "what have I done? I thought by killing myself I would be making people happier, but infact it's making them scared and upset". 
When I got to the hospital I was immediatly directed to the childrens ward, they had to check my blood samples to check if everything was ok, but it turned out that I had damaged one of my kidneys, I was put on the drip and had this injection thing in my hand which was extremely painful! When they was putting it in I had to have a nurse in the room as well as a doctor to distract me! 
The next day I was up at 5:30am! Just couldn't sleep whatsoever.. I was waiting for my Dad to come at 9, it was so boring.. I mean SO boring!! My Mum actually came before my Dad and that's when we found out that CAMHS were coming at 9:45 so we just sat and waited until then. They was late, which was how I knew it was my Mental Health Nurse, Emma, who I was hoping it wouldn't be. I really dislike her with a passion, she never listens to what I think, always what she thinks. Anyway, 10am she arrived and we had to go down to the "CAMHS room" at the hospital, as they call it. We talked with both my Mum and Dad in the room, it was so awkward to see them both in the same room, they completely avoided each other. She was talking how she thought hospitalization would be good for me, a chance to get back on my feet, but I declined her offer. If I went in hospital, it wouldn't make me better, it would make me worse. I know it would because it has in the past, I get to used to the safety and when it's time to leave, I just want to go back to a secured environment again. Anyway, after a lot of chatting about shit that really doesn't matter, my Mum brought up the topic of Medication. Everytime I bring it up, she never listens to me. Ever! But she did listen to my Mum, and I was so happy. I have an appointment on Monday with Emma and my Psychiatrist; Dr. Elliott to be assessed for Prozac, which is an anti-depressant. Also, I have been offered DBT at the inpatient hospital in Chester I went to a while back, called Pine Lodge, they think it would be really useful for my recovery, so my Mum is speaking to her manager at work to see if she can get "Carers Leave" so she can take me weekly. Anyway, after that little chat with CAMHS my Dad being.. Dad just went home, and I was discharged from the hospital:)
When I got home, I was ever so drowsy but my Mum still made me clean my room out with her. We had to remove all sharp objects, all tablets I had stored in my room. And we have a new rule which is I'm not allowed to bring any glasses upstairs, only plastic beakers. I feel like a five year old, but I know it's for my own good really. Yesterday I got home at about 11 and was busy until 3! When I got home I went straight to bed, woke up at 7.. And back to bed again half10! The past 2 days have been so hectic, but they have just made me realize what I would have lost. I was so lucky. 
I admit, I still have those feelings now, I really don't want to be here, but I know I just have to push through these hard times. You have to go through hard to get to good. I want to take this time to thank all the amazing people I have in my life.. Especially Emmy, Ellie and Kimm. These girls are my life, my sexy Nottzz girlies! And although were all struggeling, we are always there to guide one another through those tough times! Love you guys heaps. <3<3<3

I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel the pain...

I am trapped, trapped in this big black bubble. I want to walk away, but I can't. I'm literally trapped both physically, and mentally. I don't know what to do anymore. My only way of walking away from this bubble is to remove myself from the earth, but is that the step I really want to take or is it a little bit drastic? #clueless

Leave me alone, let me get on with my life the way I want to.

What if I don't want to get better? What then? There's nothing you can do about it. This is my life, not yours. You want me sectioned? I'd like to see you try Mr. Police officer.

I took the scissors and drew a line across the raw skin. The stinging was intense. A smile leaked across my face. I wanted to carve places like this all over my body, to climb inside this intense world.

I used to act so confident to hide my pain; act so loud and jump and scream with my friends. People would call me a freak, weird, idiot. My friends would say I was fun to be around, hyperactive and energetic. After all, they always say the people with the most confidence are the ones suffering the most, they just put an act on to everyone else. It's like I'm the actor and your all my audience going along with my new character.

Faiillluurrreeeeee

I failed life, and I failed my own suicide. Hello, hospital. It's so lovely to see you again.

She promised herself this: when she got back home, when she was alone, she would draw the razor more deeply across her arm.

I wrote you a poem on my wrists. I used a razor as a pen and I signed my name in blood. But you wouldn’t read it.

"As much as I hate it I love it."

I knew it. I knew I had it coming and as much as I hate it I love it. I am the old me again, I am back to the "sick girl". To be honest I knew it was going to happen, happiness + me = never. Maybe I was happy for those few months but I knew it wasn't going to last. And the worst part of it all is that I'm not worse because I left you, I left you because I was getting worse. I was scared of you seeing this, the "old" me, because nobody has ever seen this person before and it wasn't about to start now. I lied, I told you I left you for other reasons when really its pretty obvious why, you said I changed, this is why. You said I was acting different, THIS IS WHY! I'm falling but you didn't realise, nobody ever does. Now I'm just back to the old me. Me, loneliness and razor blades but like I said before, as much as I hate it I love it. 

It just hurts, thats all..

Why am I fighting to live, if I am just living to fight? Why am I trying to see, when there isn't anything in sight? Why am I trying to give, when nobody gives me a try? Why am I dying to live, if I am just living to die?

Just because you lose the battle, it doesn't mean you lose the war. x

Never sell yourself short because of the things you've been through; you could be playing a key role in someones life as you inspire them with your story <3

'Cause all of the stars have faded away just try not to worry, you'll see them some day. Just take what you need and be on your way and stop, crying your heart out...

I know I did the right thing but why does it feel so wrong? Walking away from you was the wisest decision I made, but why does it feel so bad? I know I did good, but all I feel is hurt and regret. Maybe it's because I'm jealous.. I'm jealous because I know you will move on probably over the space of 24 hours. You tell me "your never going to get over me" and "you love me more than I could ever imagine, without me you are nothing" but who am I kidding? You probably chat the same shit to all girls. I love you and I wish this didn't have to be but it did, and I'm just going to have to learn from my mistakes. But out of all of it I can say I learnt something. I fell in love, for the first time in my life. I learnt to love which I never had the confidence to do in the past. Maybe I won't do it for a while now, but I can still say that I've done it and felt the mixture of emotions most girls have. So, thank you. 

"Honey, what do you honestly want?!"

I do.. But I don't. And I want to.. But I won't. I am.. But I'm not. & I could.. But I just can't. It feels right.. But it's wrong. And I've hurt for way too long, so when you ask me if I know what I want.. I do but I don't..

Not all scars show, not all wounds heal.. Sometimes you can't always tell the pain that somebody feels..

Looks so happy in pictures. Smiles so big at strangers, laughs so hard with friends. But when the camera's aren't flashing, when no one is looking, and when all her friends go home... She cries herself to sleep at night. No one knows, it's her secret pain, so she pulls down her long sleeves to cover up her scars and fakes a smile.

I wish...

I'll be completely honest, right now I wish I was back in hospital. I wish I wasn't here, but I don't wish I was dead, I just wish I could be back in hospital, where I belong. 
The world scares me. I don't know what to do here, I'm finding it hard to cope. In hospital life is so easy.. You wake up in a morning and are made to have breakfast.. Maybe that's a bit of a struggle, but at least you know you have support their. Then you do whatever you want until therapy, go back to your room, hang around with other patients, sit quietly in the lounge or play in the games room.. Whatever.. Then it's therapy, you go to you're session which lasts about an hour usually, then it's lunch, and tea.. Which are the same as breakfast pretty much. Finally comes bed time, but you're not that scared to sleep because you know people are their to help you. If you feel sad, you always have someone to talk to. You forget about the outside world for a while and just focus on you and your health, nobody can hurt or upset you their, you are damaged enough. You have no school/college stress, no relationship and friendship troubles, everything is just OK, you're feelings and perception of life may be a little screwed up but they can all be fixed in a matter of time.
But then comes that day, the day you get "released" the day you are discharged. It is the most amazing feeling in the world, you are so excited to leave and see all you're family and friends, you pack all you're bags and you're parents are waiting for you with a neutral look on there face and that's when you realise that you're not all that excited to be going home, that's when you realise now is where you have to face life alone, everything you do is in you're hands and nobody will be their to help you anymore.

I lent my laptop out to my boyfriend and when it returned to me, I recived this :) n'awh!

Stop it.

Every word, another scar. Some people say I cut for attention, attention is the last thing I want. I tell them I've got my reasons, but what they don't know is, they are the reason I cut. I walk the halls and people talk, their harsh words cut in deep. Can't they see what they are doing? Every word they say is another scar on my wrist.

I've become so numb..

I'm tired of being what you want me to be, feeling so faithless lost under the surface. I don't know what you're expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in you're shoes.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
I've become so numb I can't feel you there, I've become so tired so much more aware. I'm becoming this all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.
Can't you see that you're smothering me? Holding too tightly, afraid to loose control? 'Cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you. And every second I waste is more than I can take.
I've become so numb I can't feel you there, I've become so tired so much more aware. I'm becoming this all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you. 
And I know I may end up failing too, but I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you. 

I am a fighter not a failure! I CAN DO THISSS

I am relapsing and things are getting bad. Not worse than before, just the way they used to be but a little easier. Most people would look on this as a bad thing, and usually so would I.. But I believe that everything happens for a reason and my slip up is happening to make me realise what I will have in the future. Am I going to give up the fight? Am I balls! I am here to win. I am a fighter not a failure and one day I will make it through the end of the tunnel and I will be able to say "I have been through hell and made it back!" YEAH MAN

This too shall pass - I hope.

Lately I have felt so exhausted, everything is going wrong. I just want to go back to the way I used to be, completely ill and in hospital all the time. When I was in hospital, nothing could go wrong. I was in a room, on my own, with nobody. All my troubles melted away, but when I was eventually discharged--everything went bad again. This is why I like being on my own, because when I'm on my own nothing can go wrong. When I'm on my own people can't hurt or upset me, nobody can put me down but myself. I just don't know what to do at the moment, I'm a mess, I'm completely fucked up and I don't know what I should do. I can't tell someone, because they never take me seriously. They just laugh at me and say I'm being overdramatic.. But what if I'm not? What if the girl who is being overdramatic is the same girl you find dead in her bedroom one evening? HELP ! :(

I love you Ellie, never think differently!

I have this super incredible friend called Ellie who has recently been put into inpatient due to an overdose. This has got me thinking real hard.. Just because people look fine, doesn't mean they are. Just because they are smiling doesn't mean we shouldn't still ask if they are OK, and just because they look better doesn't mean we still shouldn't remind them how amazing they are, and how much of a difference they make in our lifes. Without Ellie, I would be lost. She has done so much for me and helped me out so much and I wish I could have been there for her in her time of need, maybe if I payed more attention this wouldn't have happened and I could of helped her before it was too late. But obviously now, it is too late and I feel so much guilt and regret for not being their when she needed someone the most. I love her with all my heart and I hope she still knows that, next time I will make sure I am around.

Liar liar pants on fire..

You expect me to tell you the truth, but why should I? I went through years of being honest to you and all you ever did was lock me up. And what good did that do really? Look at me now. I'm afraid of pain no longer, because all you ever did was create more. Now, no matter what hits me, it won't upset me. Even if I cry, it isn't because I'm hurting, it's because I just don't know what else to do or say. I no longer feel and that's all down to you..

Recovery? Meh.

When I sit and think real hard, I'm happy to have you in my life, but I'm not happy with myself. Although I'm happy to have almost recovered, I often question myself on if I really want recovery at all? And when I think for a while, I actually realize that I don't want it as much as I tell myself I do. I often fake this smile that shows people how much I want to be happy and better, and how far I've actually come along. And I'll be honest, I have come far, but I don't know if I want to carry on. I don't know if I want to go all the way. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the way I used to be.. Maybe I was miserable, but at least I had ways of making my sadness disappear. These days I have nothing, I just have to try my hardest to get through them. What I'd do to cut myself right now, too bad I can't :'(

I wish we could just be a family again. I want to go home, I miss you all..

Do you know how it feels to be dead while alive, to fall asleep each night to the sound of your cries. To have your life change in the blink of an eye, to discover your reality was nothing but lies?
Do you know how it feels to want someone to blame, to find yourself alone when in the greatest of pain, to shed a river of tears at the mention of a name, to realize this day forward things will never be the same?
Do you know how it feels to learn your best wasn't enough... For someone you love to violate your ultimate trust, to find out all those words were just cold hearted bluffs, to accept that the future holds no more promises for us?
Do you no how it feels to make a fresh start, to keep a smile on your face when your whole world fell apart? 

Bbbeeellliiieeeevvvveeee!

Being here feels like hell. The breathing gets harder everyday. The tears just don't seem to go away. The pain I feel is deeper within. The people here, they get under my skin.
But I know what to do, just hold on tight. Because one of these days, it will be alright.

Don't hold strong opinions about things you don't understand.

Life's not always what we want it to be. Sometimes, it's what we never knew we need it to be.

These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars, to fit the pieces, to tell your story, you don't need to say a word.

Life can never be perfect, but you can always see it in a perfect way.

Reality has exiled me; I am no longer bound by it's laws.

If I was to kill myself tonight, who would remember me tomorrow?

Where ever I am I always find myself looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else..

The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive.

I am... A daughter, a sister, a grand-daughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend. I am a partner, a student, a young girl, and a grown woman. I am confident and scared, terrified and excited. I am loving and caring, and thoughtful and hopeful. I am sick and tired. I am shy and friendly, and careful and careless. I am broken and whole. I am misunderstood, misguided and mislead. I am hardworking and determined, but a little bit scared on the inside. I wish on stars and dream my dreams. I pray to God and cry my tears. I smile on the outside while I'm dying on the inside. I listen to others who won't listen to me. I walk on eggshells, and I walk on fire. I believe in passion, but not true love. I love you but I push you away. I want you but not to close. I am everything and nothing all at once and all I want is for you to love me.

So drop the little razor, and pick up your life, forget all the bad things, the pain and the strife.

And those days where you feel like crap, and all you want to do is cry? Those are the days you should put a big smile on your face, and pretend you're happy. Those are the days you should hide your feelings, and pretend it's all okay. Those are the days you should act like the person you used to be.

It's hard but we can all do it. :)

Recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever do, you have no idea how difficult it is. You live your life in one way for so long doing the same things daily and then one day you realise you have to change it. You can't live yourl life this way anymore, and you don't necessarily want to either. It seems easy when you think about it.. "Recovery, hey! I can do that." but when you start to need the things you can't have, that's when it gets really difficult. You will cry everyday wishing you could go back, knowing you could turn around any minute but as much as you want you, you don't because you know you've came so far. You don't want to ruin it and have to start over again, but at the same time that one little cut, one little drink, just one mega binge and purge might just help you out along the way.. Now, let's be fair. No recovery is perfect. You're bound to have relapses but if that does happen, don't think you've failed because you haven't. You can do this, I have faith in you all. <3<3

Because I have the brain of a three year old...

"Getting ANDY tattooed on the bottom of your foot because your a true Toy Story fan."
^THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
One day, I will do this. I AM DETERMINED!

Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time.

I've got dreams in hidden places and extra smiles for when I'm blue.

The hardest part of recovery!

Where hope grows, miracles blossom.

I have learned to use the word impossible with the greatest caution.

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you....

Suicide Awareness - Spread the word!

Now wipe away those tears ... You're such a beautiful disaster ...

Short little blog:)

Hey guys :) just thought I'd write a short blog to let you all know I managed to attend the full day at college with no anxiety attacks or anything! I will blog later on and let you know what went on ectect... I'm now just off to my CAMHS appointment so I will let you all know how that goes too :) ciao guys!

I want to be a "normal" student, not the student who needs "help"...

Right, this is it, this is the moment I take charge of my own life and change everything. I want to be classed as a normal student, not the student who needs help. I want to go to my lessons and do my thing without my tutor checking on my every 5 minutes or so to see if I'm okay. I want to go to the lunch hall with my frinds, or go out with them, not be locked in a room with some horrible old lady watching me eat to make sure I do so. I don't want meetings with the college and my camhs worker every so often to see if anything else needs to be put in place for me, or if things can be taken out of place. I just want to be a normal student, a normal teenager. I don't want help when I can manage quite well on my own. When it comes to college anyway, I don't see why I can't because I managed well enough in school!

I am heading to bed now before a very early 6am start tomorrow for college. I am terrified if I'm honest, I've never felt so scared in all my life. I was excited, but now the excitement has gone and all that is left inside me is fear. Also, after college I have a CAMHS appointment with my Mum and Emma, in a way I'm looking forward to that as it's a chance for me to pick myself back up again. At the moment I'm struggeling to stand back on my feet after a mega relapse a few weeks ago which involved the police, the hospital and a psychiatrist. So, yeah, ciao people! I love you guys^^

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked. 'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat. 'We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.' 'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice. 'You must be," said the Cat. 'or you wouldn't have come here.'"

What other dungeon is so dark as one's own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one's self.

*sigh* You can't please anybody these days.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not...

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?

Retarddddddd.

"And sometimes I have really bad day... When, you know, I just want to hide or scream or bleed or something..."

My dream.

It's my funeral day and I'm sat on the cloud looking down on all the people who showed up.. My best friend is here, my boyfriend and my family. My nephews are crying knowing they will never see me again. Everybody is singing, singing goodbye. I'm confused, I don't know what happened. "Dear child, things were getting too tough and you could no longer handle things in your life. You took the pills, you took the blade and just ended it all. Now, look. Look at all the trouble you have caused? You were almost their, you was winning, if only you held on that little bit longer your life would of been perfect. You have ruined a perfectly good life."
I'm now screaming and crying, asking for another chance, asking to go back, but it's too late now. Nobody has a second life, you only have one and you can either chose  to live it or mope it. This dream taught me a lesson, that things may get tough, but nothing lasts forever, so neither will this! Come on, Heather, your almost their!

My problem with alcohol. -Methyphobia

Ever since I first drank alcohol, my fear has become irrational. I always had a fear of alcohol, methyphobia it's called, I was diagnosed with it by CAMHS a while back. My reasonings for this is because of my auntie who more or less brought me up as a child, she was an alcoholic and I seen all the dangers and horrible things that happened to her, death being one of them. I was their when she died, I only remember the death vaguely but ever since alcohol has become a big problem for me to understand. Drink for me isn't "having a good time" for me, it's slowly killing yourself without realising it and when faced with people who are drunk, or even tipsy, I find it hard to stay around them without freaking out in some way. I just wish I could focus more on the good times my auntie shared rather than the bad ones, but it's really difficult when all you really seen was the bad things. I'm sorry Auntie, I love you dearly I really do and I wish I didn't think stuff like this. It's not your fault. 

THE ANOREXIC TORANCHALA THAT WAS IN MY BEDROOM!

I don't know why I feel the need to blog this to you guys, but I just do. I was just in my bedroom then, doing my thing, Facebook-ing on my laptop.. Listening to some music, dancing like an idiot.. I turn my head, look t othe side and BAM! You wanna know whats right at the side of me? Well, it's not like you really have a choice now is it? Ok, so here goes... Right next to be was the biggest spider you could EVER and I mean EVVVEERRR see! It was a supposed Daddy Long Legs, but I'm not even kidding it was bigger than a Daddy Long Legs! I named it "The Anorexic Toranchala". Wow, that is all I can say. I'm now just getting over the little mini heart attack as I screamed my lungs out when I seen it and then ran downstairs... #scarredforlife

Mental illness and recovery.

Just because people say that they don't want to get better, doesn't mean that they don't want to recover. Not literally anwyay, it's just that their scared. They fear change. They have been so used to living their life in a particular way for so long that changing it scares them, and you can hardly blame them for that. Just imagine you and your life, then one day somebody turns around and tells you that you need to change it their and then. What are you most likely to do? Go for it, or back out. A lot of people would back out, but you will get the odd person who is willing to put the time, effort, strength and determination their and then but for most of us, it takes time.

"Everybody is beautiful."

Sometimes it seems like we’re all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves. It’s good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth – that when you look closely, people are so strange and complicated that they’re actually beautiful. Possibly even me.

I wish you didn't have to go, but now is the time.

Almost all my life I've been frightened and afraid, I've been best friends with a razor blade. With the fissure on my wrist I've felt the sharp edge of a knife, its bitter deep blade inside of me.

Eating Disorder Awareness - Collab Video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sCcDrWOSNM&feature=channel_video_title

The children have to save themselves, because the parents have no idea...

"This too shall pass."

Meow =^^=

The one person who really knows me best says I'm like a cat, the kind of cat that you can't just pick up and throw onto your lap. Yeah the kind who doesn't mind being held only when it's her idea. Yeah the kind who decides she's ready to feel when she's good and ready to feel it. Now I'm prowling through the backyard and I am hiding under the car and I've gotten out of everything. I've gotten into so far and I eat when I'm hungry and I travel alone. Just outside the glow of the house is where I feel most at home.

Stitches.

Last night was such a struggle and I spent 5 hours in ANE for stitches in my arm! That was the biggest relapse I've had by far, but luckily enough I was stable enough to go home and feel OK now, capable enough anyway :) I think this made me realize, "who am I kidding? I don't want to die. I want to be here and enjoy every moment I can of this life I have been given." Moral of the story: Love, live, laugh, life. Never take a moment of your life for granted, enjoy every second of it, even the hard times!

CAMHS make people insane, they turn them "Mentally ill" and make them "Mentally unstable". Professional my arse!

Emma from CAMHS wants me to have an appointment with her because I refused to attend anymore sessions. I told her straight, and I told her that she didn't care what I did to myself nor did the other workers, and if I was to do something stupid, that would be down to me. Thats my choice and their is NOTHING she could do about it. Now she's worrie about me, wanting to put me back in hospital. But listen up darlin', this time I ain't goin'.

Now show me that beautiful smile of yours once more please?

30 day self-harm challenge. - Day 1.

How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.

I have been self harming from the age of nine years old. It all began with brusing and burning myself. This all started because as I child I was an outcast in my family, I never really fitted in. I was always pushed to the side left to do my own thing. When I reached high school I got bullied alot, and used to smack my head in between doors and smash it shut, I used to break a glass and walk on it bare foot, and then when I reached 13 I was diagnosed with many mental illnesses. I was asked if I self harmed, bruised myself, burned myself, CUT myself. Well, that thought never came to mind. I never thought I could cut my skin open and see blood, so that night I went home and did it. At first, I felt nothing. But every time things felt wrong and bad, I would cut. I no longer bruise or burn or walk on broken glass. Cutting served my purpose from that day on but I can honestly say in a way, I'm glad I went through it, because with experience of my recovery of self injury I can now help those around me to see the positives instead of the negatives and learn how to not do it when the urges come rushing by!

Live. Laugh. Love. Life. :-)

Don't waste your time regretting all your wrongs. Know that in the end, you'll get what your heart longs. Try not to risk it all; don't stumble; don't fall. Take the time to read the writings on the wall. Hold your head high; don't be afraid to say goodbye. Stay true and be you. Do everything their is to do. Live life to the fullest and don't look back -- there is a reason for the future and a reason for the past. Love till it hurts; laugh till you cry. And when your life flashes before you die, be happy for what you've done, be happy for what you've overcome, and most of all be proud of what you had become.

My friend, that is technically my sister. I love her..

"What's that mark on you're arm?" 
"Trust me, homie, Sonic the Hedgehog ISN'T as nice as he seems.." 

LOL!
What would I do without my friends? Seriously? We have such laughs together, the moments we experience can never be taken away from me, they are treasured in my heart for a life time.

One day we will be one, instead of two. Working together as a team, instead of fighting.

Self harm urges keep crawling back, but I'm not going to let them win, I've taken control before I can do it again. To distract myself I am participating in a video with my friends Kimm, Emmy, Hannah, Jaycee, Emma and Kaytee on Eating Disorders so I am going to get myself ready then video my script :) I am fighting, I am winning, I am stronger than you think! :-)

Good-bye, Au-revoir, Ciao, Adios!

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different, but they're always the same. They mean no harm but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change... But, I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong... I'm moving on.

The lost little girl.

The apple falls far from the tree she's rotten and so beautiful, I'd like to keep her here with me and tell her that she's special. She takes the pills to fall asleep and dreams that she's invisible in her tormented dreams, she stays awake and tries to recall those times where she was capable...

I'd rather have hard times together than to have it easier apart, I'd rather have the one who holds my heart..

No more joy - No more sadness - No emotion - Only madness. I can't see. I don't feel. I can't touch. I don't heal.

Sometimes I feel....

Sometimes I feel like no one cares. Sometimes I feel like no one is their. Sometimes I want to kill myself. Sometimes I feel like I need some help. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an empty zone. Sometimes I feel like I'm not alive. Sometimes I wonder if I'm deprived. Sometimes I think the world should end. Sometimes I feel like I have no friends. Sometimes I want to make them see, that sometimes I wish that I wasn't me...

Dear parents. Love, you're failure of a daughter.

I've always been the good girl. The girl whose parents thought that she would grow up and actually become something. But I'm not like that anymore. I never thought I'd purge my food and cut my wrists but I guess I was wrong. Now that I've done it I don't want to stop. It's like snorting pills, once you start it, you can't stop. You don't want to stop. I know you wanted a perfect teenage girl but lets face it, in reality, their isn't one...

Because I want it all, or nothing at all.

You see her sitting their and you think "she's so sad" but it's not that she's sad, she's simply given up on pretending to be happy, she's tired of getting up every morning and putting on her fake smile, telling herself "today will be better". She doesn't want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore... She has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room she calls her life.

Sometimes even the simplest task just to smile can be too much to bare...

We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some of us were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.

Before you make that first cut, just think about it for a second.

Close your eyes, and imagine 5, 10, 15 years from now. You are with your husband and maybe 2, 3 or so kids and you are a very happy family, and very self-full-filled and your life is perfect just the way you had always dreamed and hoped, and then your little 5 year old child asks you: "Mummy, why do you have all those white scars on your arms?" and then what will you say? "I used to take a razor and pull it down real slow and carefully and watch the blood drop out of my skin so that I could see that I was still alive, or so that I could feel real physical pain instead of emotional pain." no, you can't say that to your child, and even if you do the child will learn from you and do the same to themselves whenever they are feeling down. You don't really want that now do you?

Everyone is sleeping while she remains awake and leaves reminders on her body of how much she hates herself...

That's the problem with cutting. Once you start, you can't stop. It's addicting, cutting is my drug. It serves its purpose perfectly. Once I cut, I forget about everything that has been wrong. All that is left is my concentration on my cut. I forget about everything but the pain. Pain has become my world.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming ;-D

People come, then go. A song plays, then ends. You take a bath, then get dirty again. You eat, then get hungry again,
You lose someone good, then someone else comes along and you realize that he/she is better.
You fall down, and then back back up because staying down on the cold floor isn't really an option.
This is the ugly truth of life.
It's like a game of snakes and ladders.
We just have to keep going.
Sometimes we get a boost up, sometimes we have to go back a few squares.
Sometimes someone else reaches first, or surpasses you.
Some of us move faster, some of us prefer to go slow steady.
But you will never be out of the game itself.
Just keep rolling the dice, it will never show a zero. :)

"You can't truly love anybody until you learn you love yourself. "

I'm a happier person now, happier than what I was before and I owe it to a very special someone. Someone who has changed my life, turned my world around and made me see the positives of life. Someone who has made me strive for recovery and thanks to him, recovery is a huge part of my life and I refuse to let anybody put me down. You call me fat? I don't care. You call me ugly, you're just going to have to get used to it. You call me a psycho? Well darlin', the old me cared, the new one doesn't. I'm me and I like who I am, nobody can change me only I can change me and quite frankly that isn't going to happen. If you don't like me because of the way I am then thats your problem not mine, just walk away and never turn back. I'm happy with you doing that :)

Do you ever have those times you cry and you don't know why?

I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.

Maybe I am crazy but laughing makes the pain pass by.

Don't fall into the trap of pretending everything's fine when you know it isn't.

Come on skinny love what happened here?

I wear my scars proudly. They represent the battles through which I have gone, and I am proud because those battles I have won.

I haven't wrote this poem, but it really touches me. I can relate to it from when my friend commited suicide and she left a note, it explained how she felt all of what this boy feels. Please read and comment if you can, thank you :)

one sad cold night
a boy sat in his chair
picked up a gun
as he ran his fingers through his hair
he sat and cried as he thought
everything that’s happened
has all been my fault
he said if I was gone
this would all be better
and he told her
"I love you now more than ever"
he said "trust me
this is for the best
you will see
cause after I'm gone
no more fighting, you'll be free"
he grabbed a bullet
an put it in the gun
said, "I love you so much
but now I have to run"
he said "I'm sorry I can't take this no more.
I've let down so many people
I wish I could go back to before"
he hung up the phone
and pulled the trigger
looked down at his chest
as the pain grew bigger
his eyes filled with tears
they started to pour
as soon as his family ran in
he fell to the floor

I don't wana do this anymore, I don't wana be the reason why everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside.

Sometimes I just wish, I could run away and hide.
No matter where I go though, these feelings stay inside.
How can I stay here and live each day a lie,
When all I want to do is close my eyes and die?
I see the pain I cause you, with every tear I shed.
I plead with you now sister, let me go instead?
I wish I could take you with me, to a happy place,
Whether it exists though, is time for me to face.
Can I ask for your forgiveness? For you to set me free,
It may seem ungrateful, but this life's not meant for me.
Thank you for all your love, for all the time we shared,
It means the world to me, to know that someone cared.

I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being.

Don't hold strong opinions about things you don't understand.

My time has come, and so I'm gone. To a better place, far beyond. I love you all as you can see. But it's better now, because I'm free.

This is my dream, this has always been my dream. I've been batteling an eating disorder since the age of 11 and every place I am I was always looking around to see if I was the "biggest" and even if I wasn't, I felt like I was which would make me binge and purge, I know I'm better than this and I'm going to show everyone out their, I can do it!

Sometimes dreams do come true.

Hospitalization is not the answer 15 times in the past 3 years you fucking retard.

Today I have been booked in for an "emergency appointment" at C.A.M.H.S. Do I want to go? Not really. Do I want their help? Again, no. I know what they want, I know what their trying to do. Their trying to stick me in their cell based hospital again like always. Every time I go their, I say nothing to them yet I still find myself being assessed over and over again for hospital. I've been in hospital a total number of 14 times since the age of 13 and by the looks of it, 15 soon. I don't think anybody has been hospitalized that many times, I think they have something against me. Especially my counselor, Emma, she hates me, she must do. When I used to open up to her, she didn't understand anything, so why should I continue to do so? It's stupid. One day I will get them back for what they've done to me...

& I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal. I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming. Am I too lost to be saved?

You're problem is you're problem alone, not mine.

I don't care if you know this is aimed at you, but I just want to make it clear to everyone even though your the only person complaining. This is MY blog, not yours. I can write what I want in it. If it offends you, thats your problem not mine. Nobodys making you read it. 

Eating Disorder Poem - Don't Ever Quit.. Please read and comment (:

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down, and you feel like the biggest failure in town.
When you want to give up just because you gave in, and forget all about being healthy and thin.
So what! You went over your points a bit, it's your next move that counts... So don't you quit!
It's a moment of truth, it's an attitude change. It's learning the skills to get back in your range. 
It's telling yourself "youve done great up till now. You can take on this challenge and beat it some how."    
It's part of your journey towards reaching your goal. You're still going to make it, just stay in control.
To stumble and fall is not a disgrace, if you summon the will to get back in the race. 
But, often the struggelers, when loosing their grip, just throw in the towel and continue to slip.
And learn too late when the damage is done, that the race wasn't over... They still could have won.
Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow, but facing each challenge will help you to grow. 
Success is failure turned inside out, the silver tint in a cloud of doubt. 
When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit, if you bite it, you write it but don't EVER quit!   
 

"In order to succeed you must proceed."

What would you do right now if you knew that everything today would turn out perfectly? What project would you start, what person would you talk to, what problem would you tackle if you could be assured of success?
Is their anything you're putting off because you're afraid of failure? Is their anyone your avoiding because you're afraid of what they might say or think?
There is no gurantee of success. But there is a gurantee that if you never go for it, you'll never have it. And even in the failed attempts, you'll learn and grow. Their is no gurantee that other people will think highly of all you say and do. But that's their problem.
Do you believe in the worth of your own persuits? If so, then what could possibly prevent you from following them? If you're looking for a sure thing, then heres one -- everything you achieve will come only from the things you attempt. In order to succeed, you must proceed. Today is a great day to start.

It comes down to a simple question: what do you want out of life, and what are you willing to do to get it?