Recovery? Meh.

When I sit and think real hard, I'm happy to have you in my life, but I'm not happy with myself. Although I'm happy to have almost recovered, I often question myself on if I really want recovery at all? And when I think for a while, I actually realize that I don't want it as much as I tell myself I do. I often fake this smile that shows people how much I want to be happy and better, and how far I've actually come along. And I'll be honest, I have come far, but I don't know if I want to carry on. I don't know if I want to go all the way. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the way I used to be.. Maybe I was miserable, but at least I had ways of making my sadness disappear. These days I have nothing, I just have to try my hardest to get through them. What I'd do to cut myself right now, too bad I can't :'(