I am discusted by the person I have become, I can barely look at myself in a mirror anymore without questioning myself on who the fuck am I?! It amazes me how bad things can get in the space of 12 months, that is just three hundred and sixty five days, and if you think about it, that isn't many really. This time last year I was happy-ish, I was low in mood every now and again and had a little bit of anxiety. And now, I have EDNOS, BiPolar Disorder, Pyschosis, Severe Depression and I struggle with building relationships, I want nobody in my life, I push people away. I am also now suicidal, this time last year suicide was never in my mind, I would think about it but I never felt so low that I felt like I could only resolve all my problems by removing myself from this Earth. Now I don't even bother with self harm, I don't see the point, why cut my arms to shreads when I gain nothing from it? At least in 3 weeks time I will be gone, removed from this Earth. I am counting down, I am counting down the days until my disappearence. Nobody will notice anyway, nobody even notices when I am around. *sigh* some times I wish things could be different.. Even just a little bit.
Hi Heather,
ReplyDeleteWow. A lot of stuff you write, I could have written myself. In fact as I read your stuff, I think back to a time when I have said the very same words to myself about myself. It is very good that we see the change in ourselves. This means we have awareness. Awareness is the first step towards change.
I'd like to say 2-3 more things, that are basically my humble opinion, which I offer up for you to ponder on:
1) When you are in the initial stages of diagnosis, often, there are multiple medical conditions involved. Often the first diagnosis, is just the tip of the iceberg. It's a process, that unfolds slowly. During that time, we have to exercise a lot of patience. Otherwise, impulsively, we could off ourselves. Step back, step back, step back. Look at the Big Picture. You're young yet. It's better to discover all these things early, as it gives one a chance to seek treatment alternatives, pursue effective ones, patience is required coz it is sometimes trial and error to find what works. Doctors are just guessing, you know. They're only humanoids. People.
2) There are certain things that are more appropriate for private discussion with your primary therapist. Disclosure is good, but I stress confiding responsibly. In DBT, they stress that whatever action you take, make sure it doesn't make things "worse". That's a good way to gauge if one's thoughts, feelings, actions are spiralling upwards or downwards and then you can take remedial action. The Skills really work, Heather. DBT SKILLS DO WORK. We must cultivate Beginners Mind to learn the skills. Applying the skills will improve your life. I guarantee it. And then? You'll be surprised at yourself, too. And, you will journey on, until the next obstacle. But as you apply the skills, you will see yourself seeing yourself. You will develop space between your stimulus and response. You will observe yourself at an arm's length so to speak. That is the most powerful feeling on earth. Empowering I mean. It's awesome! Then you have a glimmer of hope and think, fuck! This is fucking-A. I'm gonna keep going. And eventually, you will have your OWN life. You will have a deep sense of self. And self-regard. You'll look back and think about how disconnected you were.
3) IMPORTANT: If you are just 16 years of age just now, your brain has not finished its development yet. One's brain chemistry settles over time, and over time it becomes easier to "manage" chemical imbalances. I have a friend who hung in there, taking 4 years off work, to recover with appropriate treatment. She is on several medications, however, she is alive and functioning and is now able to enjoy life. Please give yourself some slack. Often, our punitive thinking echoes parental voices that were overly critical, perfectionistic, damning. Also, we can put our own spin on those voices which worsens the effect. Putting our own spin on things, is called projection. There is help and treatment available for all of this. Therapy is the answer. And sticking to it. And it is hell but you have to keep on going.
All or nothing thinking is what leads to suicide.
Black and White thinking leads to suicide.
Parents don't intend to damage kids. It is unwittingly done (usually). Often, it is just that they don't know any better. They were harmed themselves during their childhoods, and it is a cycle.
Are you on medication? Medication serves a good purpose so one gets thru the extremely severe times.
However, an intensive course of dialectical behaviour therapy is what is needed. Skills and pills.
Well, I hope some of this strikes a chord within you.
Cheers.
By the way, I'm Lynda Wise ... from Twitter's Owl615!! Bye now.
ReplyDeleteThanks Lynda :) oxox
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure. Hugs & love.
ReplyDelete