Now take what you need and be on you're way and stop, crying your heart out...

It hurts, every second I am dying a little more inside. I don't want to close my eyes because I know I will open them again in the morning. The next time I close my eyes I want it to be forever, the next time I close my eyes they will never reopen again. 
What is happening to me? This time 2 weeks ago I was striving for recovery, I was willing to do every possible thing in order to be well and live a happier and healthier lifestyle again but suddenly, I just fell. I pushed you away, so so far, to the point it felt like I didn't know who you were anymore, so I left you. The funny thing was, I felt pain. So much of it, more than ever before. I never knew it was going to be so hard to walk away from something that wasn't meant to be but it was, and it still is. I'm still not over you... Us... And I don't think I'm ever going to be able to accept the fact that it's actually over. You see, I have this fear of rejection. I have this fear of people walking into my life, and then leaving, and although this was my fault, it still feels like you walked away. You tried to fight for me, but I was having none of it, and this is why. This is why I walked away. Look at me now, just take a good look, take a picture if you have to.
I'm not the person who you seen that first night, I'm not. You want to know who I am now?
I'm  a girl who craves death, I crave pain. People? I don't care about them and they don't care about me, my happiness can no longer be faked, that smile can no longer be plastered on. I wake up in a morning planning different suicide methods trying to decide which one is most likely to have the biggest effect and inflict the least pain, but more closer to death. I save my money to buy pills, as many as I can and I stock them up until I have enough to do so much damage. I don't love, I don't care, infact I feel nothing at all. 
I had to leave you, I had to walk away, with you crying I walked. You begged me not to leave, but if you seen me now you would know it was for the best. I refuse to let you see me like this, I'd hate for one of our memories to be me like this, this isn't a memory lovers should share. You deserve better than me, I know you do. I'm sorry.