It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall.

I feel so happy. Honestly, I have never been happier all because I have found the perfect plan to end my life, and I know it will work. It will take a maximum of a month, but it can happen and it will! Now I can live my life to some extent, I can smile when I feel down because I know it will soon all be over. There will be no more happiness, but no more pain. No more let downs, and no more hospitals. There is so much that their will no longer be any more of and that makes me so happy. I am a quitter and I don't expect sympathy or love, this is just how it is. Boom.

I promise you I'm always there when you're heart is filled with sorrow and despair. And I'll carry you when you need a friend, you'll find my footprints in the sand.

I don't get how you can all sit back and just get on with you're lives when their are so many people facing daily problems both mentally and physically. There are starving kids in Africa who are dying because they don't have any food or water. There are homeless people sleeping on the streets in the rain, cold and snow because they have no shelter. There are people dying of a numerous diseases such as cancer, alzheimers, parkinsons disease and more. There are children who are getting abused physically, sexually or emotionally by their parents who are supposed to love them. There are people fighting day in day out to stay alive, but you don't think about that do you? You just wake up, get dressed, go to work, have you're meals, watch TV and go to bed without a care in the world, I wish I could do that. I wish I could be in you're shoes and care about nothing, but I can't and I guess thats what sucks the most.

This is why you should never, ever get your hopes up. This is why you should see the glass as half empty. So when the whole thing spills, you aren't as devastated.

I never thought I would get to this stage in my life where I would be labelled "suicidal". I know I've always had problems with self-harm and suicidal thoughts, but I've always been to scared to actually go out and kill myself. But now, I'm not afraid, and this time last week I would be saying that it scares me that I'm not afraid to kill myself, but now, I'm not afraid, I'm glad.. Happy should I say.. I'm happy I now have the ability and confidence to die. I'm happy I have made a decision instead of being stuck in a battle between death and life, I know I'm going to be leaving some very special people behind but if this was controllable, I guess it would be different, I'm sorry but I'm moving on.

What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?

I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.

Stop the world I wanna get off.

I’m in tune with how you feel, everything about this is real. When you’re in unfamiliar places count on me through lifes changes.

I had my first CAMHS appointment today with my new therapist, Lisa. I was placed with her because my old MH worker Emma has got a new job. At first I was petrified, I hate change, I hate meeting new people, I hate getting to know them and to be honest, I didn't even want to work with CAMHS anymore when I realised I had to change therapists. But I just went with it, today was my second meet with Lisa as I had a chat with her when I was in hospital.. Not a session though, it was more of a get to know each other kind of thing but it was a little awkward seeing as I was in a completely fucked up state of mind sat in a room with a stranger, but yeah, enough of the ranting! Today I had my first session with Lisa and it was so calm and relaxed and we even had a little bit of a laugh, I told her that my thoughts were still here and that I didn't want to do DBT anymore because I wanted to act on my thoughts, but she persuaded me to hold on a little longer just to see what is to happen. My expectations were set to high, I thought that by coming out of hospital meant I am better and everybody stops caring about me, but turns out that is not the case. I was in hospital to get myself stable, I am still unwell and my therapist said she is still concerned about me but I need to have the courage to step up and tell "the voice" shall we call it no, I am better than this and I can control my mental state. BOOM!

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter.

I feel like I'm a million miles away from myself, more and more these days. I've been down so many open roads, but they never lead me home, and now I just don't know. I just don't know who I really am, how it's going to be, is there something that I can't see? I want to understand, maybe I will never be who I was before, maybe I don't even know them anymore, or maybe who I am today isn't so far from yesterday, can I find a way to be, every part of me?

I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real...

It's like I'm a ghost. Watching from the outside. I don't belong. And I see myself. I'm not who I used to be. I don't like who I've become but I can't seem to go back. The old me is leaking out of me more and more as the "new" me overtakes my body and turns me into something I do not want to become.

'Cuz we lost it all. Nothing lasts forever, I'm sorry I can't be perfect...

And I feel so silly for holding on so tightly to nothing. Well, they call it my life, but to me this isn't a life. To me, the definition of life is "To live" and I am certain that I am not living, I am just existing. I just wish I could witness happiness just once more, I wish I could go back to the times I had no care in the world and my body didn't matter. When people would insult me I would just laugh and think nothing of it. What has happened to me? If I realised I was sinking I would of stopped myself, but now I feel like I've hit rock bottom and there is no way of getting back up. I try, I really do. I fall and I try to stand, I stand for a while but then I just fall back down when I feel like I'm at the top but I don't realise I'm falling until I'm back at stage one again, and if thats the case how am I ever supposed to get "better"? I wish I could believe some day things will be okay and I will be happy, just like I used to be, but at this rate the chances of that happening is minus zero.

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."

You know what? I'm moving on. I'm going to stop living in the past and live in the future because looking back gets me nowhere. The past is done with, over, it's just a memory and means nothing anymore. It's like I'm just stuck whilst everyone else is moving forward and I'm fucking done with being here! I am determined to make the most of my life, 'cause you only life once and you should appreciate the life you have because I know that a child in Africa would do anything to live the life I have, even with all the daily problems, because at least they have food, water and a family. You seen me struggle, you seen me fall and now you can all see my raise before the stars because I am here, I'm still alive and I am standing on two feet. Thats right I'm back and I am going to prove to you all that I can do this! I can beat my mental illnesses not because I have to, but because I fucking want too! YEAH! 

I hear voices and you’re worried that you’re the freak?

I have some form of psychosis. I hear a voice and the doctor at Maple told me to try and ignore it. But how can I when I am told constantly "You have no more time". What do I do then? Because I believe this voice, but I don't want to. As much as I want to die I don't.

Discharged from inpatient.. FOR GOOD!! :-D

I am out of inpatient and I can say I hope to never have to go back. I have learnt quite a lot from there, that my thoughts are only thoughts, that the voice I can hear can be treated with meds and that things do get better in the end, I just need to stop pushing everyone away and accept the help that is offered to me. I have got to keep going to CAMHS which is pretty bum as I don't really like the place, but like I was told by Adrian, I need to start accepting help if I want to get better, everybody needs help sometimes and you should never feel embarassed and ashamed to ask for it. I will admit, I am a bit scared being out of hospital but I am ever so relieved to get out, I made some really amazing friends whilst I was their, the girl I was mainly with was a girl called Carly, she was so lovely :) she has came on so much since I first met her, she had paranoia and psychosis but we used to be with each other when we was sociable lol :) I'm going to miss her, and I wish her all the best for the future! She's a lovely girl. Anyway, back to the rambeling. So yeah, CAMHS today and Monday, they are putting a referal through so I will be under the Crisis Team, so when I feel like I can't cope during late nights, I will always have that bit of support which I am happy about and I start my 6 weeks DBT training on Tuesday at 6pm in Maple. The lady is called Cat and she's really nice, I have to do training first because she wants to see if she feels I am able to put a lot of hard work and effort into it because DBT is very rare and only offered to a few amount of people, explains why it's not avalible in Warrington! So yeah, I have so much support out of hosp and I can honestly say I am happy to be out, although a bit scared too. I am going to miss all the people there, they was so lovely. SO yeah, toooooodles:-D! 

Over night leave.

Last over night stop out turned into a total disaster, but I have had some thinking time back at the ward and I think I am ready to give it another shot. I hate that place so much, although my feelings are still there, and pretty high, I don't care I just need to get out of that place. I would never advise anybody to get them so mentally unstable that they need to go into a hospital because I swear to god this place has made me worse. They stole everything; my freedom, my control, and most importantly, my identity.

Inpatient :(

Hey guys, just want to let you all know these past few days I have been in a psychiatric hospital in Chester called Maple Ward. Tonight I am on overnight leave.. I'm so scared but I know it has to be done -- struggeling but I know I can do this. I need to do this. I refuse to disappoint people more than I already have.

Now take what you need and be on you're way and stop, crying your heart out...

It hurts, every second I am dying a little more inside. I don't want to close my eyes because I know I will open them again in the morning. The next time I close my eyes I want it to be forever, the next time I close my eyes they will never reopen again. 
What is happening to me? This time 2 weeks ago I was striving for recovery, I was willing to do every possible thing in order to be well and live a happier and healthier lifestyle again but suddenly, I just fell. I pushed you away, so so far, to the point it felt like I didn't know who you were anymore, so I left you. The funny thing was, I felt pain. So much of it, more than ever before. I never knew it was going to be so hard to walk away from something that wasn't meant to be but it was, and it still is. I'm still not over you... Us... And I don't think I'm ever going to be able to accept the fact that it's actually over. You see, I have this fear of rejection. I have this fear of people walking into my life, and then leaving, and although this was my fault, it still feels like you walked away. You tried to fight for me, but I was having none of it, and this is why. This is why I walked away. Look at me now, just take a good look, take a picture if you have to.
I'm not the person who you seen that first night, I'm not. You want to know who I am now?
I'm  a girl who craves death, I crave pain. People? I don't care about them and they don't care about me, my happiness can no longer be faked, that smile can no longer be plastered on. I wake up in a morning planning different suicide methods trying to decide which one is most likely to have the biggest effect and inflict the least pain, but more closer to death. I save my money to buy pills, as many as I can and I stock them up until I have enough to do so much damage. I don't love, I don't care, infact I feel nothing at all. 
I had to leave you, I had to walk away, with you crying I walked. You begged me not to leave, but if you seen me now you would know it was for the best. I refuse to let you see me like this, I'd hate for one of our memories to be me like this, this isn't a memory lovers should share. You deserve better than me, I know you do. I'm sorry.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is: That I care too much.

Tomorrow I have the decision to lie to you, or tell you everything. I have the decision to risk being sent to hospital, or secretly strugge. Everything is in my hands, it's all down to me. And you know what? I don't know what to do. I haven't got a clue. Maybe it's because I want to die? Because if you think about it, if I tell you my feelings, my thoughts, and for the first time in your life you do something about it; I can't control them anymore. I can't do what I'm being told constantly day in, day out to do. What is hospital going to do? Really? They can't control my thoughts, nobody can. How is someone supposed to understand me, and my issues when I barely understand them myself? I just can't deal with this, or anything in that matter, anymore. I want to give up, but I know I can't and thats what hurts the most.

Save me from the nothing I've become..

I just can't deal with this right now, I can't deal with knowing I'm somewhere I don't belong. I don't fit in. They say that everybody has a purpose in life, but what is mine? Is my purpose to realize that I don't have a purpose? To just die? Because that's what I want so bad, I just can't bare to face another day on this Earth but I know I have to hold on, because what I've came to realize is that if I was to kill myself, it would be a selfish act, because a repeat of the other night it just broke so many peoples hearts. Why do people care about me? What is there to care about? I don't see why so many people want me in there life, who wants a nothing around?

It's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song.

The thoughts are still there, the feelings are still there. I just so badly want to do something again, but stay quiet this time. Nobody will know, right? The only thing stopping me is the people who care about me. I don't want to hurt people anymore, I've hurt them enough. Just because I'm hurting doesn't mean I should make everybody else feel the same. But you have no idea how hard this is, how hard it is to sit here and watch the world go by thinking "I don't belong here".

Overdose, Regret, The Drip, CAMHS, Discharged.

I planned a suicide attempt, but I did it 2 days earlier because of a little argument. I was feeling low as it was, like my life had no meaning, what was the point in fighting when I was getting nowhere as it is? I didn't want to live my life like this forever, so I took an overdose on paracetamol, ibuprofen and prescribed sleeping tablets. 
I stayed in my room for a while and all of a sudden my eyes went black and I kept having these weird flashbacks of me as a baby, a child, a teen and so on.. The good memories, the bad memories, the people who I had, the things that made me well.. "me", and that's when I realized I probably made a huge mistake. I was using a permanent decision for temporary problems.
I went downstairs and told my Mum what I did, I told her I was sorry but she was so angry with me. She didn't even believe I did it. She was accusing me of lying and we didn't even leave to go to the hospital until I actually collapsed. My heart was beating rapidly, I couldn't breathe properly and was going into some fit thing, so my mum rang an ambulance and I was rushed there with the sirens on and everything! I remember sat there thinking "what have I done? I thought by killing myself I would be making people happier, but infact it's making them scared and upset". 
When I got to the hospital I was immediatly directed to the childrens ward, they had to check my blood samples to check if everything was ok, but it turned out that I had damaged one of my kidneys, I was put on the drip and had this injection thing in my hand which was extremely painful! When they was putting it in I had to have a nurse in the room as well as a doctor to distract me! 
The next day I was up at 5:30am! Just couldn't sleep whatsoever.. I was waiting for my Dad to come at 9, it was so boring.. I mean SO boring!! My Mum actually came before my Dad and that's when we found out that CAMHS were coming at 9:45 so we just sat and waited until then. They was late, which was how I knew it was my Mental Health Nurse, Emma, who I was hoping it wouldn't be. I really dislike her with a passion, she never listens to what I think, always what she thinks. Anyway, 10am she arrived and we had to go down to the "CAMHS room" at the hospital, as they call it. We talked with both my Mum and Dad in the room, it was so awkward to see them both in the same room, they completely avoided each other. She was talking how she thought hospitalization would be good for me, a chance to get back on my feet, but I declined her offer. If I went in hospital, it wouldn't make me better, it would make me worse. I know it would because it has in the past, I get to used to the safety and when it's time to leave, I just want to go back to a secured environment again. Anyway, after a lot of chatting about shit that really doesn't matter, my Mum brought up the topic of Medication. Everytime I bring it up, she never listens to me. Ever! But she did listen to my Mum, and I was so happy. I have an appointment on Monday with Emma and my Psychiatrist; Dr. Elliott to be assessed for Prozac, which is an anti-depressant. Also, I have been offered DBT at the inpatient hospital in Chester I went to a while back, called Pine Lodge, they think it would be really useful for my recovery, so my Mum is speaking to her manager at work to see if she can get "Carers Leave" so she can take me weekly. Anyway, after that little chat with CAMHS my Dad being.. Dad just went home, and I was discharged from the hospital:)
When I got home, I was ever so drowsy but my Mum still made me clean my room out with her. We had to remove all sharp objects, all tablets I had stored in my room. And we have a new rule which is I'm not allowed to bring any glasses upstairs, only plastic beakers. I feel like a five year old, but I know it's for my own good really. Yesterday I got home at about 11 and was busy until 3! When I got home I went straight to bed, woke up at 7.. And back to bed again half10! The past 2 days have been so hectic, but they have just made me realize what I would have lost. I was so lucky. 
I admit, I still have those feelings now, I really don't want to be here, but I know I just have to push through these hard times. You have to go through hard to get to good. I want to take this time to thank all the amazing people I have in my life.. Especially Emmy, Ellie and Kimm. These girls are my life, my sexy Nottzz girlies! And although were all struggeling, we are always there to guide one another through those tough times! Love you guys heaps. <3<3<3

I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel the pain...

I am trapped, trapped in this big black bubble. I want to walk away, but I can't. I'm literally trapped both physically, and mentally. I don't know what to do anymore. My only way of walking away from this bubble is to remove myself from the earth, but is that the step I really want to take or is it a little bit drastic? #clueless

Leave me alone, let me get on with my life the way I want to.

What if I don't want to get better? What then? There's nothing you can do about it. This is my life, not yours. You want me sectioned? I'd like to see you try Mr. Police officer.

I took the scissors and drew a line across the raw skin. The stinging was intense. A smile leaked across my face. I wanted to carve places like this all over my body, to climb inside this intense world.

I used to act so confident to hide my pain; act so loud and jump and scream with my friends. People would call me a freak, weird, idiot. My friends would say I was fun to be around, hyperactive and energetic. After all, they always say the people with the most confidence are the ones suffering the most, they just put an act on to everyone else. It's like I'm the actor and your all my audience going along with my new character.

Faiillluurrreeeeee

I failed life, and I failed my own suicide. Hello, hospital. It's so lovely to see you again.

She promised herself this: when she got back home, when she was alone, she would draw the razor more deeply across her arm.

I wrote you a poem on my wrists. I used a razor as a pen and I signed my name in blood. But you wouldn’t read it.

"As much as I hate it I love it."

I knew it. I knew I had it coming and as much as I hate it I love it. I am the old me again, I am back to the "sick girl". To be honest I knew it was going to happen, happiness + me = never. Maybe I was happy for those few months but I knew it wasn't going to last. And the worst part of it all is that I'm not worse because I left you, I left you because I was getting worse. I was scared of you seeing this, the "old" me, because nobody has ever seen this person before and it wasn't about to start now. I lied, I told you I left you for other reasons when really its pretty obvious why, you said I changed, this is why. You said I was acting different, THIS IS WHY! I'm falling but you didn't realise, nobody ever does. Now I'm just back to the old me. Me, loneliness and razor blades but like I said before, as much as I hate it I love it. 

It just hurts, thats all..

Why am I fighting to live, if I am just living to fight? Why am I trying to see, when there isn't anything in sight? Why am I trying to give, when nobody gives me a try? Why am I dying to live, if I am just living to die?

Just because you lose the battle, it doesn't mean you lose the war. x

Never sell yourself short because of the things you've been through; you could be playing a key role in someones life as you inspire them with your story <3

'Cause all of the stars have faded away just try not to worry, you'll see them some day. Just take what you need and be on your way and stop, crying your heart out...

I know I did the right thing but why does it feel so wrong? Walking away from you was the wisest decision I made, but why does it feel so bad? I know I did good, but all I feel is hurt and regret. Maybe it's because I'm jealous.. I'm jealous because I know you will move on probably over the space of 24 hours. You tell me "your never going to get over me" and "you love me more than I could ever imagine, without me you are nothing" but who am I kidding? You probably chat the same shit to all girls. I love you and I wish this didn't have to be but it did, and I'm just going to have to learn from my mistakes. But out of all of it I can say I learnt something. I fell in love, for the first time in my life. I learnt to love which I never had the confidence to do in the past. Maybe I won't do it for a while now, but I can still say that I've done it and felt the mixture of emotions most girls have. So, thank you.