"Honey, what do you honestly want?!"

I do.. But I don't. And I want to.. But I won't. I am.. But I'm not. & I could.. But I just can't. It feels right.. But it's wrong. And I've hurt for way too long, so when you ask me if I know what I want.. I do but I don't..

Not all scars show, not all wounds heal.. Sometimes you can't always tell the pain that somebody feels..

Looks so happy in pictures. Smiles so big at strangers, laughs so hard with friends. But when the camera's aren't flashing, when no one is looking, and when all her friends go home... She cries herself to sleep at night. No one knows, it's her secret pain, so she pulls down her long sleeves to cover up her scars and fakes a smile.

I wish...

I'll be completely honest, right now I wish I was back in hospital. I wish I wasn't here, but I don't wish I was dead, I just wish I could be back in hospital, where I belong. 
The world scares me. I don't know what to do here, I'm finding it hard to cope. In hospital life is so easy.. You wake up in a morning and are made to have breakfast.. Maybe that's a bit of a struggle, but at least you know you have support their. Then you do whatever you want until therapy, go back to your room, hang around with other patients, sit quietly in the lounge or play in the games room.. Whatever.. Then it's therapy, you go to you're session which lasts about an hour usually, then it's lunch, and tea.. Which are the same as breakfast pretty much. Finally comes bed time, but you're not that scared to sleep because you know people are their to help you. If you feel sad, you always have someone to talk to. You forget about the outside world for a while and just focus on you and your health, nobody can hurt or upset you their, you are damaged enough. You have no school/college stress, no relationship and friendship troubles, everything is just OK, you're feelings and perception of life may be a little screwed up but they can all be fixed in a matter of time.
But then comes that day, the day you get "released" the day you are discharged. It is the most amazing feeling in the world, you are so excited to leave and see all you're family and friends, you pack all you're bags and you're parents are waiting for you with a neutral look on there face and that's when you realise that you're not all that excited to be going home, that's when you realise now is where you have to face life alone, everything you do is in you're hands and nobody will be their to help you anymore.

I lent my laptop out to my boyfriend and when it returned to me, I recived this :) n'awh!

Stop it.

Every word, another scar. Some people say I cut for attention, attention is the last thing I want. I tell them I've got my reasons, but what they don't know is, they are the reason I cut. I walk the halls and people talk, their harsh words cut in deep. Can't they see what they are doing? Every word they say is another scar on my wrist.

I've become so numb..

I'm tired of being what you want me to be, feeling so faithless lost under the surface. I don't know what you're expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in you're shoes.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
I've become so numb I can't feel you there, I've become so tired so much more aware. I'm becoming this all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.
Can't you see that you're smothering me? Holding too tightly, afraid to loose control? 'Cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you. And every second I waste is more than I can take.
I've become so numb I can't feel you there, I've become so tired so much more aware. I'm becoming this all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you. 
And I know I may end up failing too, but I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you. 

I am a fighter not a failure! I CAN DO THISSS

I am relapsing and things are getting bad. Not worse than before, just the way they used to be but a little easier. Most people would look on this as a bad thing, and usually so would I.. But I believe that everything happens for a reason and my slip up is happening to make me realise what I will have in the future. Am I going to give up the fight? Am I balls! I am here to win. I am a fighter not a failure and one day I will make it through the end of the tunnel and I will be able to say "I have been through hell and made it back!" YEAH MAN

This too shall pass - I hope.

Lately I have felt so exhausted, everything is going wrong. I just want to go back to the way I used to be, completely ill and in hospital all the time. When I was in hospital, nothing could go wrong. I was in a room, on my own, with nobody. All my troubles melted away, but when I was eventually discharged--everything went bad again. This is why I like being on my own, because when I'm on my own nothing can go wrong. When I'm on my own people can't hurt or upset me, nobody can put me down but myself. I just don't know what to do at the moment, I'm a mess, I'm completely fucked up and I don't know what I should do. I can't tell someone, because they never take me seriously. They just laugh at me and say I'm being overdramatic.. But what if I'm not? What if the girl who is being overdramatic is the same girl you find dead in her bedroom one evening? HELP ! :(

I love you Ellie, never think differently!

I have this super incredible friend called Ellie who has recently been put into inpatient due to an overdose. This has got me thinking real hard.. Just because people look fine, doesn't mean they are. Just because they are smiling doesn't mean we shouldn't still ask if they are OK, and just because they look better doesn't mean we still shouldn't remind them how amazing they are, and how much of a difference they make in our lifes. Without Ellie, I would be lost. She has done so much for me and helped me out so much and I wish I could have been there for her in her time of need, maybe if I payed more attention this wouldn't have happened and I could of helped her before it was too late. But obviously now, it is too late and I feel so much guilt and regret for not being their when she needed someone the most. I love her with all my heart and I hope she still knows that, next time I will make sure I am around.

Liar liar pants on fire..

You expect me to tell you the truth, but why should I? I went through years of being honest to you and all you ever did was lock me up. And what good did that do really? Look at me now. I'm afraid of pain no longer, because all you ever did was create more. Now, no matter what hits me, it won't upset me. Even if I cry, it isn't because I'm hurting, it's because I just don't know what else to do or say. I no longer feel and that's all down to you..

Recovery? Meh.

When I sit and think real hard, I'm happy to have you in my life, but I'm not happy with myself. Although I'm happy to have almost recovered, I often question myself on if I really want recovery at all? And when I think for a while, I actually realize that I don't want it as much as I tell myself I do. I often fake this smile that shows people how much I want to be happy and better, and how far I've actually come along. And I'll be honest, I have come far, but I don't know if I want to carry on. I don't know if I want to go all the way. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the way I used to be.. Maybe I was miserable, but at least I had ways of making my sadness disappear. These days I have nothing, I just have to try my hardest to get through them. What I'd do to cut myself right now, too bad I can't :'(

I wish we could just be a family again. I want to go home, I miss you all..

Do you know how it feels to be dead while alive, to fall asleep each night to the sound of your cries. To have your life change in the blink of an eye, to discover your reality was nothing but lies?
Do you know how it feels to want someone to blame, to find yourself alone when in the greatest of pain, to shed a river of tears at the mention of a name, to realize this day forward things will never be the same?
Do you know how it feels to learn your best wasn't enough... For someone you love to violate your ultimate trust, to find out all those words were just cold hearted bluffs, to accept that the future holds no more promises for us?
Do you no how it feels to make a fresh start, to keep a smile on your face when your whole world fell apart? 

Bbbeeellliiieeeevvvveeee!

Being here feels like hell. The breathing gets harder everyday. The tears just don't seem to go away. The pain I feel is deeper within. The people here, they get under my skin.
But I know what to do, just hold on tight. Because one of these days, it will be alright.

Don't hold strong opinions about things you don't understand.

Life's not always what we want it to be. Sometimes, it's what we never knew we need it to be.

These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars, to fit the pieces, to tell your story, you don't need to say a word.

Life can never be perfect, but you can always see it in a perfect way.

Reality has exiled me; I am no longer bound by it's laws.

If I was to kill myself tonight, who would remember me tomorrow?

Where ever I am I always find myself looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else..

The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive.

I am... A daughter, a sister, a grand-daughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend. I am a partner, a student, a young girl, and a grown woman. I am confident and scared, terrified and excited. I am loving and caring, and thoughtful and hopeful. I am sick and tired. I am shy and friendly, and careful and careless. I am broken and whole. I am misunderstood, misguided and mislead. I am hardworking and determined, but a little bit scared on the inside. I wish on stars and dream my dreams. I pray to God and cry my tears. I smile on the outside while I'm dying on the inside. I listen to others who won't listen to me. I walk on eggshells, and I walk on fire. I believe in passion, but not true love. I love you but I push you away. I want you but not to close. I am everything and nothing all at once and all I want is for you to love me.

So drop the little razor, and pick up your life, forget all the bad things, the pain and the strife.

And those days where you feel like crap, and all you want to do is cry? Those are the days you should put a big smile on your face, and pretend you're happy. Those are the days you should hide your feelings, and pretend it's all okay. Those are the days you should act like the person you used to be.

It's hard but we can all do it. :)

Recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever do, you have no idea how difficult it is. You live your life in one way for so long doing the same things daily and then one day you realise you have to change it. You can't live yourl life this way anymore, and you don't necessarily want to either. It seems easy when you think about it.. "Recovery, hey! I can do that." but when you start to need the things you can't have, that's when it gets really difficult. You will cry everyday wishing you could go back, knowing you could turn around any minute but as much as you want you, you don't because you know you've came so far. You don't want to ruin it and have to start over again, but at the same time that one little cut, one little drink, just one mega binge and purge might just help you out along the way.. Now, let's be fair. No recovery is perfect. You're bound to have relapses but if that does happen, don't think you've failed because you haven't. You can do this, I have faith in you all. <3<3

Because I have the brain of a three year old...

"Getting ANDY tattooed on the bottom of your foot because your a true Toy Story fan."
^THE STORY OF MY LIFE.
One day, I will do this. I AM DETERMINED!

Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time.

I've got dreams in hidden places and extra smiles for when I'm blue.

The hardest part of recovery!

Where hope grows, miracles blossom.

I have learned to use the word impossible with the greatest caution.

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes.

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you....

Suicide Awareness - Spread the word!

Now wipe away those tears ... You're such a beautiful disaster ...

Short little blog:)

Hey guys :) just thought I'd write a short blog to let you all know I managed to attend the full day at college with no anxiety attacks or anything! I will blog later on and let you know what went on ectect... I'm now just off to my CAMHS appointment so I will let you all know how that goes too :) ciao guys!

I want to be a "normal" student, not the student who needs "help"...

Right, this is it, this is the moment I take charge of my own life and change everything. I want to be classed as a normal student, not the student who needs help. I want to go to my lessons and do my thing without my tutor checking on my every 5 minutes or so to see if I'm okay. I want to go to the lunch hall with my frinds, or go out with them, not be locked in a room with some horrible old lady watching me eat to make sure I do so. I don't want meetings with the college and my camhs worker every so often to see if anything else needs to be put in place for me, or if things can be taken out of place. I just want to be a normal student, a normal teenager. I don't want help when I can manage quite well on my own. When it comes to college anyway, I don't see why I can't because I managed well enough in school!

I am heading to bed now before a very early 6am start tomorrow for college. I am terrified if I'm honest, I've never felt so scared in all my life. I was excited, but now the excitement has gone and all that is left inside me is fear. Also, after college I have a CAMHS appointment with my Mum and Emma, in a way I'm looking forward to that as it's a chance for me to pick myself back up again. At the moment I'm struggeling to stand back on my feet after a mega relapse a few weeks ago which involved the police, the hospital and a psychiatrist. So, yeah, ciao people! I love you guys^^

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked. 'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat. 'We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.' 'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice. 'You must be," said the Cat. 'or you wouldn't have come here.'"

What other dungeon is so dark as one's own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one's self.

*sigh* You can't please anybody these days.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not...

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?

Retarddddddd.

"And sometimes I have really bad day... When, you know, I just want to hide or scream or bleed or something..."

My dream.

It's my funeral day and I'm sat on the cloud looking down on all the people who showed up.. My best friend is here, my boyfriend and my family. My nephews are crying knowing they will never see me again. Everybody is singing, singing goodbye. I'm confused, I don't know what happened. "Dear child, things were getting too tough and you could no longer handle things in your life. You took the pills, you took the blade and just ended it all. Now, look. Look at all the trouble you have caused? You were almost their, you was winning, if only you held on that little bit longer your life would of been perfect. You have ruined a perfectly good life."
I'm now screaming and crying, asking for another chance, asking to go back, but it's too late now. Nobody has a second life, you only have one and you can either chose  to live it or mope it. This dream taught me a lesson, that things may get tough, but nothing lasts forever, so neither will this! Come on, Heather, your almost their!

My problem with alcohol. -Methyphobia

Ever since I first drank alcohol, my fear has become irrational. I always had a fear of alcohol, methyphobia it's called, I was diagnosed with it by CAMHS a while back. My reasonings for this is because of my auntie who more or less brought me up as a child, she was an alcoholic and I seen all the dangers and horrible things that happened to her, death being one of them. I was their when she died, I only remember the death vaguely but ever since alcohol has become a big problem for me to understand. Drink for me isn't "having a good time" for me, it's slowly killing yourself without realising it and when faced with people who are drunk, or even tipsy, I find it hard to stay around them without freaking out in some way. I just wish I could focus more on the good times my auntie shared rather than the bad ones, but it's really difficult when all you really seen was the bad things. I'm sorry Auntie, I love you dearly I really do and I wish I didn't think stuff like this. It's not your fault. 

THE ANOREXIC TORANCHALA THAT WAS IN MY BEDROOM!

I don't know why I feel the need to blog this to you guys, but I just do. I was just in my bedroom then, doing my thing, Facebook-ing on my laptop.. Listening to some music, dancing like an idiot.. I turn my head, look t othe side and BAM! You wanna know whats right at the side of me? Well, it's not like you really have a choice now is it? Ok, so here goes... Right next to be was the biggest spider you could EVER and I mean EVVVEERRR see! It was a supposed Daddy Long Legs, but I'm not even kidding it was bigger than a Daddy Long Legs! I named it "The Anorexic Toranchala". Wow, that is all I can say. I'm now just getting over the little mini heart attack as I screamed my lungs out when I seen it and then ran downstairs... #scarredforlife

Mental illness and recovery.

Just because people say that they don't want to get better, doesn't mean that they don't want to recover. Not literally anwyay, it's just that their scared. They fear change. They have been so used to living their life in a particular way for so long that changing it scares them, and you can hardly blame them for that. Just imagine you and your life, then one day somebody turns around and tells you that you need to change it their and then. What are you most likely to do? Go for it, or back out. A lot of people would back out, but you will get the odd person who is willing to put the time, effort, strength and determination their and then but for most of us, it takes time.

"Everybody is beautiful."

Sometimes it seems like we’re all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we all hate ourselves. It’s good to get really dressed up once in a while and admit the truth – that when you look closely, people are so strange and complicated that they’re actually beautiful. Possibly even me.

I wish you didn't have to go, but now is the time.

Almost all my life I've been frightened and afraid, I've been best friends with a razor blade. With the fissure on my wrist I've felt the sharp edge of a knife, its bitter deep blade inside of me.

Eating Disorder Awareness - Collab Video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sCcDrWOSNM&feature=channel_video_title

The children have to save themselves, because the parents have no idea...

"This too shall pass."

Meow =^^=

The one person who really knows me best says I'm like a cat, the kind of cat that you can't just pick up and throw onto your lap. Yeah the kind who doesn't mind being held only when it's her idea. Yeah the kind who decides she's ready to feel when she's good and ready to feel it. Now I'm prowling through the backyard and I am hiding under the car and I've gotten out of everything. I've gotten into so far and I eat when I'm hungry and I travel alone. Just outside the glow of the house is where I feel most at home.

Stitches.

Last night was such a struggle and I spent 5 hours in ANE for stitches in my arm! That was the biggest relapse I've had by far, but luckily enough I was stable enough to go home and feel OK now, capable enough anyway :) I think this made me realize, "who am I kidding? I don't want to die. I want to be here and enjoy every moment I can of this life I have been given." Moral of the story: Love, live, laugh, life. Never take a moment of your life for granted, enjoy every second of it, even the hard times!

CAMHS make people insane, they turn them "Mentally ill" and make them "Mentally unstable". Professional my arse!

Emma from CAMHS wants me to have an appointment with her because I refused to attend anymore sessions. I told her straight, and I told her that she didn't care what I did to myself nor did the other workers, and if I was to do something stupid, that would be down to me. Thats my choice and their is NOTHING she could do about it. Now she's worrie about me, wanting to put me back in hospital. But listen up darlin', this time I ain't goin'.