So todays been pretty tough. To start the day off I recieved a horrible text from my Dad stating how worthless, stupid, ugly, fat (the list is endless) I am which really got to me, with today being Fathers Day I was planning on buying my Dad a card and going to post it round his house, not being mean, just wishing him a good day, but when I read the text that obviously didn't happen! After this, I cried and I self harmed even after the Butterfly Project idea, that is when I realised it probably isn't going to work after all :/ but that won't stop me trying. Tomorrow is another day and I will re-draw my butterflys and hopefully they will survive this time!
After that, to make my day even better, I found out that my brother has been put in jail for 6 weeks because he's a stupid idiot who decided to steal perfume from work! I love him to pieces, don't get me wrong, but he is such an idiot for doing that! He's got a two year old son who's he's in court fighting for because his ex is a prick and he's going out doing that! Hows that going to look on him? Not so good from where I see things.
Then, just to make things soooo much better, my phone fell down the toilet! Oh my god it felt like my whole life was taken away from me, literally. My phone is practically my life, I don't know how I ever lived without my Blackberry! I used to have some little tescos touch screen one ;) lmao!
After that day, I really felt unable to cope. I know it sounds stupid, but so much has happened these past few days and this just topped it off completely! I felt like giving up, I didn't see the meaning to live anymore, even my niece and nephews didn't make me want to carry on and now I feel so horrible, a terrible auntie. Them kids have always made me smile even on my darkest days and today I just wasn't having any of it. I self harmed hoping that would do the job, but it didn't so I snook (if thats even a word) downstairs and got all the paracetamol and my sleeping tablets and brought them upstairs. I was just about to do it, but then my Mum walked in and seen, I guess in a way its a good job she did, but at the same time I still wish she didn't to some extent.
Now, food is my main problem. I haven't eaten anything for five days today due to body image getting to me far to much. I see people walking down the street, and I'm ever so jealous how people my age can have such a beautiful, fine figure and I'm just stood around like a fat fuck! I hate how people are always telling me how I've lost weight, when I don't see it at all. I just see a masive fat flabby girl in the mirror all the time! I've tried to eat, but sometimes it just comes back naturally, and others I purge because I can't bare the thought of having food in my system. I just think I deserve to starve, I deserve not to eat until I reach a certain weight that I'm happy with. But lets be honest here, I'll never be happy with the way I look, I could be a size 6 and I'd still think I was fat. I just want to stop feeling this way, I just wish I could accepy me for me, my body for my body and stop putting it through all this pain.
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