Dear Thomas, Matthew and Holly-Victoria...

If only you were old enough to understand whats going on. If only. I love you guys so much, you have no idea how much you've helped me these past few years keep myself together. You've made me the strong me. Without you, I'm nothing. I know your just my niece and nephews but to me your more than that, your my world and I love you more than I could possibly love any other children. 

Thomas Your my amazing funny little man. You make me laugh and can cheer me up in seconds with your sense of humor. You like to act rough and tough but I know that going to high on a swing makes you cry and that when you fall over its like the end of the world! Your so kind and caring even if you do bully me and you know how to lift me up when I'm feeling down. I love you so much. 

Matthew Matthew, Matthew, Matthew. I love you my beautiful little man! I know that you know I'm hurting inside even though you don't say it, I can just tell by when I feel down you just run up and hug me and I hate to know that you know at your age. You've asked me about scars on my arms and I've told you I just "fell" but I know in years to come you will probably know whats happened and I dread that day because you don't deserve to know. I'm a stornger person now and I promise you I will never hurt myself ever again for you, Tom and Holly. I love you guys to much to hurt myself knowing that I have a responsibility to be a role model to you. I love you to the world. 

Holly My precious baby. My only niece who I love dearly. One day I am going to show you every good thing that life can possibly bring. I will be their for you when you need me and catch you when you fall. I will never ever let anybody get away with giving shit to you because I love you to much to see you struggle the way I did. Nobody will ever hurt you as long as I'm around and I can promise you that. You are the most beautiful little baby I have ever seen in my life and I can't wait to see you grow up. In a few years I will take you out to the park and to town and buy you lots of presents and spoil you rotten because you deserve it! You give the best cuddles and I love you so much, I never want to lose you. I will keep on fighting forever as long as I have you and the boys around. Your my world baby, I love you so much <333

Such a lovely evening spent with such lovely people :-).

Well, I think I have a right to say I'm proud of myself tonight. For the first time since November I smacked Anxiety right down in the fucking face! I went out with my friends not for half an hour, not for one hour, but for 5 and a half hours! It dragged, of course it did, but I still had fun. At first I wasn't that chatty but I soon lightened up and began to act myself. I really do think CAMHS is helping in some way, I had so much fun tonight, probably the most fun I've had in a while now. I'm so happy I'm finally letting recovery be a part of my life, I remember this time last year when I refused it, I denied having mental health problems and told myself it wasn't me with the problems, it was everyone else but now I'm finally realising I do need help and the only way things are going to get better is if I let it, so here I am, finally letting recovery enter my life. And you know what? I think with a bit of effort, somehow things may get better. How? I have no idea, but part of me is telling me this is not the end and theirs more to life than Anxiety, Depression, ED and Self harm, and I love that voice in my head telling me that!

I don't want to do this anymore, but I don't know how to survive without it.

Right now I'm feeling pretty down about everything. My relationship with my parents, scars and cuts on my arms, my body. I just don't understand why I cut, whats it achieving? Nothing. But still, that doesn't stop me from doing it, and it won't. You see, at the time... It seems like the right thing to do, the only way I can stay together. At that moment in time, it feels like if I don't cut, I will die. I'm not afraid to die, I'm not afraid to kill myself not at all. The only thing that scares me is how upset people would be, how let down my niece and nephews would be. I wouldn't be their to watch them grow up and have a family of their own and thats one thing I want to happen no matter what. But thats where the self harm comes in, at the time, I have no control. To me it seems like cutting will always be a part of me because no matter how hard I try I always find myself being silly and doing it. I want to stop, but I don't know how and I don't think I ever will.

Struggeling with food lately. But from where I'm standing I seem to be getting fatter not thinner :(.

So todays been pretty tough. To start the day off I recieved a horrible text from my Dad stating how worthless, stupid, ugly, fat (the list is endless) I am which really got to me, with today being Fathers Day I was planning on buying my Dad a card and going to post it round his house, not being mean, just wishing him a good day, but when I read the text that obviously didn't happen! After this, I cried and I self harmed even after the Butterfly Project idea, that is when I realised it probably isn't going to work after all :/ but that won't stop me trying. Tomorrow is another day and I will re-draw my butterflys and hopefully they will survive this time!

After that, to make my day even better, I found out that my brother has been put in jail for 6 weeks because he's a stupid idiot who decided to steal perfume from work! I love him to pieces, don't get me wrong, but he is such an idiot for doing that! He's got a two year old son who's he's in court fighting for because his ex is a prick and he's going out doing that! Hows that going to look on him? Not so good from where I see things.

Then, just to make things soooo much better, my phone fell down the toilet! Oh my god it felt like my whole life was taken away from me, literally. My phone is practically my life, I don't know how I ever lived without my Blackberry! I used to have some little tescos touch screen one ;) lmao! 

After that day, I really felt unable to cope. I know it sounds stupid, but so much has happened these past few days and this just topped it off completely! I felt like giving up, I didn't see the meaning to live anymore, even my niece and nephews didn't make me want to carry on and now I feel so horrible, a terrible auntie. Them kids have always made me smile even on my darkest days and today I just wasn't having any of it. I self harmed hoping that would do the job, but it didn't so I snook (if thats even a word) downstairs and got all the paracetamol and my sleeping tablets and brought them upstairs. I was just about to do it, but then my Mum walked in and seen, I guess in a way its a good job she did, but at the same time I still wish she didn't to some extent. 

Now, food is my main problem. I haven't eaten anything for five days today due to body image getting to me far to much. I see people walking down the street, and I'm ever so jealous how people my age can have such a beautiful, fine figure and I'm just stood around like a fat fuck! I hate how people are always telling me how I've lost weight, when I don't see it at all. I just see a masive fat flabby girl in the mirror all the time! I've tried to eat, but sometimes it just comes back naturally, and others I purge because I can't bare the thought of having food in my system. I just think I deserve to starve, I deserve not to eat until I reach a certain weight that I'm happy with. But lets be honest here, I'll never be happy with the way I look, I could be a size 6 and I'd still think I was fat. I just want to stop feeling this way, I just wish I could accepy me for me, my body for my body and stop putting it through all this pain. 

Happy Fathers Day to all the Dads who never give up on their kids!

Unfortunatly, I really can't say my Dad has been one of those. He stayed with us at home until I was thirteen and did nothing with me, just sat on his lazy arse all day watching football and if he did get up and move, it would be to go to the pub! Now, were here in 2011, 3 years ago everything was so different. Me and my Dad was closer than we are now, we had a bond of some type of where I trusted him. I spoke to him about my problems, nobody else, just him, but he's gone and betrayed me. Left, walked away out of my life, and this time, for good. Yet, I still get the blame for being the bad person? Truthfully, I used to agree with him. Everything was my fault back last year, I had no self esteem, no confidence and blamed myself for pratically everything. But now, I've realised that it wasn't my fault. I did all I could to be part of his life, I text him to see if he was okay, he never did that. I rang him, and visited him often, he never did that. It was always down to me if I wanted him in my life, I always had to make the arrangements. Well now, I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it all being me when I'm the "child" here and he's the adult, from where I'm seeing it looks like its the other way round! Its been so difficult for me to not go round his flat, or even send him a letter telling him how much he's hurt me and put me down when I deserved none of it. In this, I'm the good guy here not him. 

Today, with it being Fathers Day, I have decided that I am going to send him a Fathers Day card. Not being horrible, sarcastic which I really wanted to do. But just a plane and simple one, that way I can prove to him that I have done everything I could, tried while he's just sat their on his lazy arse and done fuck all. I hope it will show him and make him see how bad he's treated me over the years when I've deserved none of it, all I ever did was try and remain in contact with him but like people say, "Sometimes its easier to let go than hurting yourself trying to pick up all the pieces."I'm sick of it being just me making all the effort when it should be both of us doing so. 

The Butterfly Project.

Out of every regret I have in my life, that first cut is most definitely the one thing I regret doing the most. For the past 3 weeks now I have been hurting myself everyday and I've ended up in ANE on numerous occasions due to this. Today, again, was a struggle. I wanted to do it, but then I knew I couldn't, I don't know what made my brain think differently today, but I didn't do it, and I feel good that it never happened.

Afterwards I thought about it, and came to the decisions I don't want to do it anymore. I've told myself this so many times before, but it never seems to happen, so when I was gazing on google I came across this thing called The Butterfly Project. 

Basically, The Butterfly Project is like a game, well thats how I like to see it anyway. You have to draw a butterfly on you, where ever you usually self harm (If you have more than one place, go for it, I did!) and name it after someone you love, or someone who wants you to get better. The aim of the project is to not self harm, if you do, then you kill the butterflys :-( but don't think by drawing more you will get away with it, because you won't! For example, if you draw two: One on your arm and one on your leg. If you cut your arm, but not your leg, they all die :( 

When I came across this, I thought it sounded pretty stupid, but when I thought about it really hard I thought it may work. For The Butterfly Project, I have drawn four butterflys. One on my wrist, that is labeled Tom after my nephew. Another on my foot, that is labeled Matthew after my other nephew. One on my ankle, that is labeled Holly after my niece. And finally, one on my thigh, that is labeled Amy after my very special friend. I think more people should try this out, just to see how it works. For me, I think it may work, because when I self harm I tend not to think about the people around me, my minds just to busy focusing on the pain of the mind to think about the people I love. Hopefully, this will make me realise before I do make the cut that I have people who do care about me and nieces and nephews that I need to be a role model too, I don't want to be a cutter for the rest of my life and that is where I'm heading, as I've been told.

I'd really appreciate it if anybody else has tried, or is doing this too, to leave comments and tell me how it went/is going :-) thank you for taking your time to read my blog, I really do appreciate it.