Self-Harm relapse. First time in 3 months, stupid stupid stupid!!! :(

Today for the first time in a long time, I died a little inside. I sat in my living room, alone in the dark listening to my music when suddenly I was gone, I went cold and a little dizzy and before I knew it I was sat in the hallway staring down at a knife, broken glass pieces, two razor blades and six boxes of paracetamol, two boxes of ibuprofen and my sleeping tablets I was prescribed with by my psychiatrist. I didn't know what to do, was I to end it all or just end my pain for the mean time hoping things would get better? I relapsed into self harm. I cut and cut and cut until their was no skin left, all I could see was blood dripping from my arm, my leg, my foot, and I was just sat their in a pool of blood. I never seen so much in all my life, I paniced, thats when I realised I didn't want to die, I wanted to be here and live my life, I regretted what I did even though I vaguely remembered any of it. I ran, just ran and kept on running then bumped into my boyfriend on the street who took me to his house and took care of me until my mum finished work and was able to pick me up. I remember after a month of being with him he told me "One cut and its over, were through" so when I seen him, I was scared, I thought it was the end of everything I had always dreamed of but he understood and was very caring towards me. Now I sit here and look at my arm all bandaged up and think "What the hell was I playing at?" you see, I have more to live for than I think, and I know other self harmers do too even though unlike me they don't see it. The moral of the story is NEVER underestimate the love people have for you because they care about you more than you probably think they do. I love my boyfriend, I love my friends and family and I wouldn't change the life I live for the world even though it may get extremely difficult at times and hard to cope with. Thank you, God. Thank you for allowing me to be me.