Now show me that beautiful smile of yours once more please?

30 day self-harm challenge. - Day 1.

How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.

I have been self harming from the age of nine years old. It all began with brusing and burning myself. This all started because as I child I was an outcast in my family, I never really fitted in. I was always pushed to the side left to do my own thing. When I reached high school I got bullied alot, and used to smack my head in between doors and smash it shut, I used to break a glass and walk on it bare foot, and then when I reached 13 I was diagnosed with many mental illnesses. I was asked if I self harmed, bruised myself, burned myself, CUT myself. Well, that thought never came to mind. I never thought I could cut my skin open and see blood, so that night I went home and did it. At first, I felt nothing. But every time things felt wrong and bad, I would cut. I no longer bruise or burn or walk on broken glass. Cutting served my purpose from that day on but I can honestly say in a way, I'm glad I went through it, because with experience of my recovery of self injury I can now help those around me to see the positives instead of the negatives and learn how to not do it when the urges come rushing by!

Live. Laugh. Love. Life. :-)

Don't waste your time regretting all your wrongs. Know that in the end, you'll get what your heart longs. Try not to risk it all; don't stumble; don't fall. Take the time to read the writings on the wall. Hold your head high; don't be afraid to say goodbye. Stay true and be you. Do everything their is to do. Live life to the fullest and don't look back -- there is a reason for the future and a reason for the past. Love till it hurts; laugh till you cry. And when your life flashes before you die, be happy for what you've done, be happy for what you've overcome, and most of all be proud of what you had become.

My friend, that is technically my sister. I love her..

"What's that mark on you're arm?" 
"Trust me, homie, Sonic the Hedgehog ISN'T as nice as he seems.." 

LOL!
What would I do without my friends? Seriously? We have such laughs together, the moments we experience can never be taken away from me, they are treasured in my heart for a life time.

One day we will be one, instead of two. Working together as a team, instead of fighting.

Self harm urges keep crawling back, but I'm not going to let them win, I've taken control before I can do it again. To distract myself I am participating in a video with my friends Kimm, Emmy, Hannah, Jaycee, Emma and Kaytee on Eating Disorders so I am going to get myself ready then video my script :) I am fighting, I am winning, I am stronger than you think! :-)

Good-bye, Au-revoir, Ciao, Adios!

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces. Each one is different, but they're always the same. They mean no harm but it's time that I face it, they'll never allow me to change... But, I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong... I'm moving on.

The lost little girl.

The apple falls far from the tree she's rotten and so beautiful, I'd like to keep her here with me and tell her that she's special. She takes the pills to fall asleep and dreams that she's invisible in her tormented dreams, she stays awake and tries to recall those times where she was capable...

I'd rather have hard times together than to have it easier apart, I'd rather have the one who holds my heart..

No more joy - No more sadness - No emotion - Only madness. I can't see. I don't feel. I can't touch. I don't heal.

Sometimes I feel....

Sometimes I feel like no one cares. Sometimes I feel like no one is their. Sometimes I want to kill myself. Sometimes I feel like I need some help. Sometimes I feel like I'm alone. Sometimes I feel like I'm in an empty zone. Sometimes I feel like I'm not alive. Sometimes I wonder if I'm deprived. Sometimes I think the world should end. Sometimes I feel like I have no friends. Sometimes I want to make them see, that sometimes I wish that I wasn't me...

Dear parents. Love, you're failure of a daughter.

I've always been the good girl. The girl whose parents thought that she would grow up and actually become something. But I'm not like that anymore. I never thought I'd purge my food and cut my wrists but I guess I was wrong. Now that I've done it I don't want to stop. It's like snorting pills, once you start it, you can't stop. You don't want to stop. I know you wanted a perfect teenage girl but lets face it, in reality, their isn't one...

Because I want it all, or nothing at all.

You see her sitting their and you think "she's so sad" but it's not that she's sad, she's simply given up on pretending to be happy, she's tired of getting up every morning and putting on her fake smile, telling herself "today will be better". She doesn't want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore... She has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room she calls her life.

Sometimes even the simplest task just to smile can be too much to bare...

We are male and female. We are artists, athletes, students, and business owners. We have depression, DID, PTSD, eating disorders, borderline personalities, bipolar disorder, or maybe no diagnosis at all. Some of us were abused, some of us were not. We are straight, bi, and gay. We come from all walks of life and can be any age. We are every single race or religion that you can possibly think of. Our common link is this: We are pain. We self-injure. And we are not freaks.

Before you make that first cut, just think about it for a second.

Close your eyes, and imagine 5, 10, 15 years from now. You are with your husband and maybe 2, 3 or so kids and you are a very happy family, and very self-full-filled and your life is perfect just the way you had always dreamed and hoped, and then your little 5 year old child asks you: "Mummy, why do you have all those white scars on your arms?" and then what will you say? "I used to take a razor and pull it down real slow and carefully and watch the blood drop out of my skin so that I could see that I was still alive, or so that I could feel real physical pain instead of emotional pain." no, you can't say that to your child, and even if you do the child will learn from you and do the same to themselves whenever they are feeling down. You don't really want that now do you?

Everyone is sleeping while she remains awake and leaves reminders on her body of how much she hates herself...

That's the problem with cutting. Once you start, you can't stop. It's addicting, cutting is my drug. It serves its purpose perfectly. Once I cut, I forget about everything that has been wrong. All that is left is my concentration on my cut. I forget about everything but the pain. Pain has become my world.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming ;-D

People come, then go. A song plays, then ends. You take a bath, then get dirty again. You eat, then get hungry again,
You lose someone good, then someone else comes along and you realize that he/she is better.
You fall down, and then back back up because staying down on the cold floor isn't really an option.
This is the ugly truth of life.
It's like a game of snakes and ladders.
We just have to keep going.
Sometimes we get a boost up, sometimes we have to go back a few squares.
Sometimes someone else reaches first, or surpasses you.
Some of us move faster, some of us prefer to go slow steady.
But you will never be out of the game itself.
Just keep rolling the dice, it will never show a zero. :)

"You can't truly love anybody until you learn you love yourself. "

I'm a happier person now, happier than what I was before and I owe it to a very special someone. Someone who has changed my life, turned my world around and made me see the positives of life. Someone who has made me strive for recovery and thanks to him, recovery is a huge part of my life and I refuse to let anybody put me down. You call me fat? I don't care. You call me ugly, you're just going to have to get used to it. You call me a psycho? Well darlin', the old me cared, the new one doesn't. I'm me and I like who I am, nobody can change me only I can change me and quite frankly that isn't going to happen. If you don't like me because of the way I am then thats your problem not mine, just walk away and never turn back. I'm happy with you doing that :)

Do you ever have those times you cry and you don't know why?

I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside.

Maybe I am crazy but laughing makes the pain pass by.

Don't fall into the trap of pretending everything's fine when you know it isn't.

Come on skinny love what happened here?

I wear my scars proudly. They represent the battles through which I have gone, and I am proud because those battles I have won.

I haven't wrote this poem, but it really touches me. I can relate to it from when my friend commited suicide and she left a note, it explained how she felt all of what this boy feels. Please read and comment if you can, thank you :)

one sad cold night
a boy sat in his chair
picked up a gun
as he ran his fingers through his hair
he sat and cried as he thought
everything that’s happened
has all been my fault
he said if I was gone
this would all be better
and he told her
"I love you now more than ever"
he said "trust me
this is for the best
you will see
cause after I'm gone
no more fighting, you'll be free"
he grabbed a bullet
an put it in the gun
said, "I love you so much
but now I have to run"
he said "I'm sorry I can't take this no more.
I've let down so many people
I wish I could go back to before"
he hung up the phone
and pulled the trigger
looked down at his chest
as the pain grew bigger
his eyes filled with tears
they started to pour
as soon as his family ran in
he fell to the floor

I don't wana do this anymore, I don't wana be the reason why everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside.

Sometimes I just wish, I could run away and hide.
No matter where I go though, these feelings stay inside.
How can I stay here and live each day a lie,
When all I want to do is close my eyes and die?
I see the pain I cause you, with every tear I shed.
I plead with you now sister, let me go instead?
I wish I could take you with me, to a happy place,
Whether it exists though, is time for me to face.
Can I ask for your forgiveness? For you to set me free,
It may seem ungrateful, but this life's not meant for me.
Thank you for all your love, for all the time we shared,
It means the world to me, to know that someone cared.

I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being.

Don't hold strong opinions about things you don't understand.

My time has come, and so I'm gone. To a better place, far beyond. I love you all as you can see. But it's better now, because I'm free.

This is my dream, this has always been my dream. I've been batteling an eating disorder since the age of 11 and every place I am I was always looking around to see if I was the "biggest" and even if I wasn't, I felt like I was which would make me binge and purge, I know I'm better than this and I'm going to show everyone out their, I can do it!

Sometimes dreams do come true.

Hospitalization is not the answer 15 times in the past 3 years you fucking retard.

Today I have been booked in for an "emergency appointment" at C.A.M.H.S. Do I want to go? Not really. Do I want their help? Again, no. I know what they want, I know what their trying to do. Their trying to stick me in their cell based hospital again like always. Every time I go their, I say nothing to them yet I still find myself being assessed over and over again for hospital. I've been in hospital a total number of 14 times since the age of 13 and by the looks of it, 15 soon. I don't think anybody has been hospitalized that many times, I think they have something against me. Especially my counselor, Emma, she hates me, she must do. When I used to open up to her, she didn't understand anything, so why should I continue to do so? It's stupid. One day I will get them back for what they've done to me...

& I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal. I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming. Am I too lost to be saved?

You're problem is you're problem alone, not mine.

I don't care if you know this is aimed at you, but I just want to make it clear to everyone even though your the only person complaining. This is MY blog, not yours. I can write what I want in it. If it offends you, thats your problem not mine. Nobodys making you read it. 

Eating Disorder Poem - Don't Ever Quit.. Please read and comment (:

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down, and you feel like the biggest failure in town.
When you want to give up just because you gave in, and forget all about being healthy and thin.
So what! You went over your points a bit, it's your next move that counts... So don't you quit!
It's a moment of truth, it's an attitude change. It's learning the skills to get back in your range. 
It's telling yourself "youve done great up till now. You can take on this challenge and beat it some how."    
It's part of your journey towards reaching your goal. You're still going to make it, just stay in control.
To stumble and fall is not a disgrace, if you summon the will to get back in the race. 
But, often the struggelers, when loosing their grip, just throw in the towel and continue to slip.
And learn too late when the damage is done, that the race wasn't over... They still could have won.
Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow, but facing each challenge will help you to grow. 
Success is failure turned inside out, the silver tint in a cloud of doubt. 
When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit, if you bite it, you write it but don't EVER quit!   
 

"In order to succeed you must proceed."

What would you do right now if you knew that everything today would turn out perfectly? What project would you start, what person would you talk to, what problem would you tackle if you could be assured of success?
Is their anything you're putting off because you're afraid of failure? Is their anyone your avoiding because you're afraid of what they might say or think?
There is no gurantee of success. But there is a gurantee that if you never go for it, you'll never have it. And even in the failed attempts, you'll learn and grow. Their is no gurantee that other people will think highly of all you say and do. But that's their problem.
Do you believe in the worth of your own persuits? If so, then what could possibly prevent you from following them? If you're looking for a sure thing, then heres one -- everything you achieve will come only from the things you attempt. In order to succeed, you must proceed. Today is a great day to start.

It comes down to a simple question: what do you want out of life, and what are you willing to do to get it?

One definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

I wake up every day with the realization that this is it, that there's only one shot at this life and I can either enjoy the ride and live it to its fullest and to my highest potential or I can stay the way I am.

Thats why it will never work you'll have me suicidal, suicidal when you say its over.

We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives. The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together.

Self-Harm relapse. First time in 3 months, stupid stupid stupid!!! :(

Today for the first time in a long time, I died a little inside. I sat in my living room, alone in the dark listening to my music when suddenly I was gone, I went cold and a little dizzy and before I knew it I was sat in the hallway staring down at a knife, broken glass pieces, two razor blades and six boxes of paracetamol, two boxes of ibuprofen and my sleeping tablets I was prescribed with by my psychiatrist. I didn't know what to do, was I to end it all or just end my pain for the mean time hoping things would get better? I relapsed into self harm. I cut and cut and cut until their was no skin left, all I could see was blood dripping from my arm, my leg, my foot, and I was just sat their in a pool of blood. I never seen so much in all my life, I paniced, thats when I realised I didn't want to die, I wanted to be here and live my life, I regretted what I did even though I vaguely remembered any of it. I ran, just ran and kept on running then bumped into my boyfriend on the street who took me to his house and took care of me until my mum finished work and was able to pick me up. I remember after a month of being with him he told me "One cut and its over, were through" so when I seen him, I was scared, I thought it was the end of everything I had always dreamed of but he understood and was very caring towards me. Now I sit here and look at my arm all bandaged up and think "What the hell was I playing at?" you see, I have more to live for than I think, and I know other self harmers do too even though unlike me they don't see it. The moral of the story is NEVER underestimate the love people have for you because they care about you more than you probably think they do. I love my boyfriend, I love my friends and family and I wouldn't change the life I live for the world even though it may get extremely difficult at times and hard to cope with. Thank you, God. Thank you for allowing me to be me.

What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open,

Hunger hurts but starving works.

Just listen out okay?

You may get sick and tired , but never give up the fight , because you never know whats round the corner , things will turn out allright.

Maybe this will explain me a little better, but idk, its worth a shot I guess.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait

Lifes a bitch, but hey, you jus' gotta move on.

Good-bye is the hardest thing to say, because you walk away with only memories; and memories, well...they fade away.

My poem that yet has no name, I hope you guys enjoy it. :)

I am a daughter trying to make you proud,

I am a sister trying to stand my ground.

I am a girlfriend giving you all my love

I am a best friend trying to do all the above.

I am an auntie who plays all day

I am a niece listening to everything you say.

I am a granddaughter trying to make you laugh

I am a cousin leading you on the correct path.

But what you don’t see is the person I really am

And when all doors are locked, curtains are closed.. I cry myself to sleep at night

Holding my covers close, praying and hoping that everything’s going to be alright…

Save me from the nothing I've become...

Nobody promised life was going to be easy, but they did promise it would be worthwhile!

Live your life as best you can. Never give up hope. With each breath you take remember what matters most. Live with no regrets and always forgive. You never know which day might be your last, if you have something to say, say it NOW! Reach for the stars, and know that they are NEVER too far away. Dreams CAN become reality but only if you take the steps necessary for that to happen. Never be afraid of life, smile through the storm, laugh through the tears and always look for the rainbow.

Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel like your nothing, you are perfect to me. ♥

Is my life really that much worth living?

I'm falling, falling way way down. I never thought things could get this bad, I thought I'd already been through the worst point my mental health could reach but I guess not. What if they send me down? What if they take me away and lock me up? I don't want that, I can't have that, I have to much that I would lose. I want to be normal, I want to be happy, I just want people to stop putting me down, I feel like everybody is just trying to kill me mentally, so why shouldn't I take action physically? I'm hurting more than before, it feels like I've been kicked and stomped on over and over again. This hurt just won't go, I see myself lying their screaming "Help, please somebody I need help" but nobodys around, nobody can hear me. I'm alone, lying on the floor dying, what can I do? How can I take control? I've taken control of situations before and I need to do the same now too but the question here is what the fuck am I meant to do? I'm lost.