Right now everything seems to be going down hill. And when I say down, I mean down. I don't know how I managed to hold on so tightly for so long when all I've ever wanted to do is die. Give up, let go, give everybody peace. You see, when I think back all I've ever done is cause trouble. In school, I was trouble for everybody. My friends. I pushed them away, I didn't want their help, I could do this alone. Canceled plans on them last minute, thinking I could face the real world today, thinking I could do it, nothing will stop me then the moment I go to leave, I panic. I'm not in the right frame of mind to go out today, so I have to cancel, which made them angry because they couldn't arrange to do things 2 minutes before could they? Teachers. They had to arrange hundreds of meetings in school due to my mental health, they almost put me in care due to family problems. They used to get frustrated with me because I didn't understand what was going on myself, it would of been so much easier for them if they could understand and told them how I was feeling and why, but I couldn't do that. My family. I used to run off all the time, throw things, break things. Scream, cry, cut, refuse food. Call people, tell my mum how much of a bad parent she was, call my dad a failure. What a lovely child? I think not. Myself? Well, I've caused enough trouble for myself as it is. Made myself have an obsession with food, not an obsession meaning I eat everything, an obsession where I think about it all the time. Body, perfection. Thats all thats ever in my head now, I must have a perfect body, I mustn't eat no matter how hungry I am. I must strive for perfection, I must binge, I must purge, I must starve. I cut, I have scars on my body head to toe, I've had stitches, I have an addiction and I can't stop myself from hurting myself no matter how much I want to do it. I'm anxious. I can't go anywhere without thinking people are staring at me, I think their staring at me because of my body. Compared to them, I have a horrible body. Compared to everyone else, I'm ugly. You see, I see myself more than ugly, I see myself as discusting. I'm never going to be able to accept myself because I don't see any prettyness in me, I can't even see myself as decent. I just want to be happy and stop causing trouble for everybody, thats all I am and all I ever have been, and will be. Trouble.
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