Fence pannels = the meaning to life. Crazy, huh?!

This evening I was stood outside in the garden with my boyfriend and I just happened to come across something. When I was stood outside, I was looking through the fence. His fence is a bit different though, its like a prison cell style, and when I was looking through it I couldn't help but notice how that fence made me think about life. Not just my life, but life for everybody. You see theirs 3 main pannels, one on the left, one on the right and one in between the two. For me, looking to the left reminded me of the past, and then looking towards the right was the future, but in between both pannels was another pannel blocking you from seeing your future. We all know that a future lies ahead of us, but we tend to spend so long focusing on the past and being too afraid to leave it behind for so many reasons but the main reason being that the past made us who we are today. When you struggle with mental health problems, you know you have a future but that future you dream of is all in your hands and no matter how bad you want it to happen at the same time your too afraid because your so used to living your life in one way, the thought of changing into a completely different person scares you. But just remember, that change you make to your life will be a good change for the people around you but most of all yourself.

I will start accepting myself for me the day others do.

People always say, "be yourself", but you're never yourself, because we live in a society that says skinny is in, beauty is success, and being famous is everything.... It is not possible to be 100% yourself, because people change around the ones they like, the ones they hate, the ones they know, and the ones they dont...

Without the struggles we face in life, life wouldn't be called life because it would be too easy.

Its hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You cant go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. Because life would be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you cna change the future and thats a beautiful thing about life. Yes, you will make mistakes. And yes, you will have bad days - but as long as you let the past go, you'll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you. Knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance to use something amazing from. So grab hold of it.

You think you know me but you don't. Nobody does, and nobody ever will.

Its hard to pretend to be happy sometimes. Sometimes you just want to explode and let the world know how you feel, but then you think about it for a second and know its better not to tell people that your not happy and that somethings wrong because when people ask you "are you okay" they don't really mean it. Its like saying hello, you just say it as part of a greeting. If someone was to ask me if I was okay, and I was to say no, what then? They'll ask you whats wrong, but they won't care. Really they'll just sink back into their own little world and expect you to blabber about stuff they couldn't care less about. Its the same with psychiatrists only a little different because they don't switch off, they want to but they don't because they can't because their paid to listen. Truth is they couldn't give a flying fuck about you, their just counting down the hours on the clock until their finishing time, thats all they care about. When they finish work, their family and money. To them your just another person they see, sometimes they won't even remember who you are until they look in your folder.. If your new going to see a psychiatrist don't expect alot because chances are they will let you down.

Its funny how best friends can turn into enemies.

Dear You,
You're probably thinking I've forgotten all about you by now, but that's far from it. I have missed you every waking day & my heart still hurts, but I'm getting better. I continue to smile & still go on without you. I know I have missed you, but I have kept it all inside of me, only for me to know. I still wonder about your doings, how you are, what you're doing, what we used to talk about, to the laugh in your voice. Just, everything. I miss it all. However, I feel that the parting of us was for the best, because everything happens for a reason. Should destiny put us into a crossing road in the future, that is when I will see you again. Until then, remember this; No matter what, even through the screaming fights, the disagreements, mistakes & the tears we've cried; though I saw this as a possible outcome, I took the risk & gave you my all. Never, ever, did I give up on you. Do not give up on yourself. Believe. Anything is possible. And if you ever need a helping hand, do not hesitate to ask. I may be far away, but I will always be in reach.

I thought it was all okay again, I really did, I thought I was finally getting better :(.

You know that feeling? When you're just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you're tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay. But no one is going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you're tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won't be. But you're still hoping. And you're still wishing. And you're still staying strong and fighting, with tears in you're eyes. You're fighting.

I just want to be okay again.

You can never tell what people are thinking and feeling unless they tell you, and usually they lie. you ask them, "whats wrong?" and they say "Nothing." You accept this because its easier than digging for the truth. people smile when they want to cry, they laugh when they want to scream and shout. they pretend like nothing is wrong because they dont want to face the truth. things aren't always rainbows and butterflies, sometimes you gotta scream and cry your angers and sadness to the world, because you can only hold it in for so long before something in you snaps. so when you want to cry, cry. when you want to scream, scream. dont hide behind fake smiles, its ok to not be alright.

I am, always have been, and always will be, trouble.

Right now everything seems to be going down hill. And when I say down, I mean down. I don't know how I managed to hold on so tightly for so long when all I've ever wanted to do is die. Give up, let go, give everybody peace. You see, when I think back all I've ever done is cause trouble. In school, I was trouble for everybody. My friends. I pushed them away, I didn't want their help, I could do this alone. Canceled plans on them last minute, thinking I could face the real world today, thinking I could do it, nothing will stop me then the moment I go to leave, I panic. I'm not in the right frame of mind to go out today, so I have to cancel, which made them angry because they couldn't arrange to do things 2 minutes before could they? Teachers. They had to arrange hundreds of meetings in school due to my mental health, they almost put me in care due to family problems. They used to get frustrated with me because I didn't understand what was going on myself, it would of been so much easier for them if they could understand and told them how I was feeling and why, but I couldn't do that. My family. I used to run off all the time, throw things, break things. Scream, cry, cut, refuse food. Call people, tell my mum how much of a bad parent she was, call my dad a failure. What a lovely child? I think not. Myself? Well, I've caused enough trouble for myself as it is. Made myself have an obsession with food, not an obsession meaning I eat everything, an obsession where I think about it all the time. Body, perfection. Thats all thats ever in my head now, I must have a perfect body, I mustn't eat no matter how hungry I am. I must strive for perfection, I must binge, I must purge, I must starve. I cut, I have scars on my body head to toe, I've had stitches, I have an addiction and I can't stop myself from hurting myself no matter how much I want to do it. I'm anxious. I can't go anywhere without thinking people are staring at me, I think their staring at me because of my body. Compared to them, I have a horrible body. Compared to everyone else, I'm ugly. You see, I see myself more than ugly, I see myself as discusting. I'm never going to be able to accept myself because I don't see any prettyness in me, I can't even see myself as decent. I just want to be happy and stop causing trouble for everybody, thats all I am and all I ever have been, and will be. Trouble.

Who are you other than your mental illness?

People always ask me this question, and the truth is although you don't see it, I'm actually alot of things.

I'm a daughter trying to show you my rights instead of my wrongs. I'm an auntie trying to be a good role model teaching my niece and nephews the goods and bads, rights and wrongs of life. I'm a sister willing to help you when you need me, have fun with you when you need it. I'm a friend trying to be their for you all in every possible way I can. I'm a cousin refusing to let you see me fall. I'm a niece trying to brighten up your day, even if I can't brighten up my own. I'm a granddaughter thanking you for everything you have done even though its killing me deep down knowing that you won't be with us for much longer. 

You see, even with my daily struggles with ED, Self-Harm, Anxiety and BPD I still refuse to let these people in my life see me drop. They think I'm a winner, they think I won this battle along time ago and I only attend CAMHS to keep me back up and not go down hill again. But the truth is: I'm still struggeling, I'm still catching myself when I fall. But what does it matter? I know that in the end, I'm okay. No matter how bad I feel at the time, everything is always okay. So why go out of your way when you know the outcome is going to be fine in the end anyway?