I’m slipping off the edge, I’m hanging by a thread; I wanna start this over again..

Decisions, decisions!

I have decided now considering this is my blog of my bad times, to continue with it through my good times. So, you will be hearing a lot of me lately :) ciao!

Inpatient - again!

I am back in hospital, but instead of Maple it is Pine Lodge. It's not too bad I guess, I have made some really good ward friends :-P who I spend most of my time with. Starting meds next week, fluoxetine and quatiapine... I hope they work and make me better, sick of feeling like crap. I will update asap :) Oh, also, I am spending my birthday in hospital.. How fun -_- .. Luckily enough I get overnight leave so my mum is picking me up at 4pm :D yaaaay! It's not until next friday, but still! Boom.

I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

Today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist regarding meds. I was pretty much forced to go into details with my "plan" but I didn't, why would I tell them what I was planning when they could stop me just like that. Silly people. Aaaanywayyy, my psychiatrist was really pleased that I came, because at my previous CAMHS appointment I refused to ever step foot back in that building ever again, but yet again, that was said out of anger. I was first of all speaking with my psychiatrist alone, then she spoke to my MH nurse, Lisa and my Mum seperately then we all joined back in the room together. She thinks that Anti-Depressants would really benefit me but a side affect of the meds I am going on are psychosis and extreme suicidal actions/thoughts, so she decided it would be appropriate to place me back into hospital for 2 weeks, but if the meds are bad and have a bad effect on me they would have to try different ones which would lead me to being there for a month. I refused to go, I didn't want to and I still don't but if I don't go they will section me, and I refuse to have that on my name.

When I look in the mirror, I don't even recognise myself.

I am discusted by the person I have become, I can barely look at myself in a mirror anymore without questioning myself on who the fuck am I?! It amazes me how bad things can get in the space of 12 months, that is just three hundred and sixty five days, and if you think about it, that isn't many really. This time last year I was happy-ish, I was low in mood every now and again and had a little bit of anxiety. And now, I have EDNOS, BiPolar Disorder, Pyschosis, Severe Depression and I struggle with building relationships, I want nobody in my life, I push people away. I am also now suicidal, this time last year suicide was never in my mind, I would think about it but I never felt so low that I felt like I could only resolve all my problems by removing myself from this Earth. Now I don't even bother with self harm, I don't see the point, why cut my arms to shreads when I gain nothing from it? At least in 3 weeks time I will be gone, removed from this Earth. I am counting down, I am counting down the days until my disappearence. Nobody will notice anyway, nobody even notices when I am around. *sigh* some times I wish things could be different.. Even just a little bit.

Shout-outs to the most amazing people I have ever met!

Natalie Jones Ellie-Louise Stenson-Dallison Emmy Norton Jaycee Fraser Amy Ratnett Hannah Lowe Emma Mills Katy Cooke Kaytee Wood Emma Sawyer Kimmy Lewis Zoey Funnell Hannah Ramshaw Alice McArthur Julieann Mitchell Ruth Winrow Amy-Louise Murray Lynda Wise Aideen Scally Alice Megan Jane PJ Morgan 

   
 Their are possibly more, but these are the main people who keep me going, they are awesome and so inspirational! I hope to meet many of these people in the nearer future. Boooooooom :)

The razor caressed your flesh and your arms turned red. I feel your vast desire.

I haven't self harmed once since I came out of hospital, I darent do it. My Mum has told me how proud I have made her by keeping in control of the self harm. Even though I have had the urges, I still haven't done it but their is a reason behind that. I sit here and think to myself "why bother?" because right now I don't want to cut to feel alive, I don't want to cut because I feel numb. If I was to cut myself, I wouldn't be able to stop, I would cut, and cut, and cut until their was no skin left visible. I would cut, and cut, and cut until I was left unconcious with blood seeping out of my veins on my bedroom floor. And I want that, so so bad, but I know I need to stay strong for everybody else.